235 Days Later

I'll be honest, I thought about writing a round up for this blog over the New Year period. The reason? I'd hit another obstacle in my path to recovering my prior self. But then I made a realisation - that I was no longer emotionally tied to this situation that I found my way out of.

I will also admit that on writing this particular post, I haven't read through the entirety of my previous posts - the reason again was quite simply that I started, and couldn't continue, knowing how far I'd come on my path. I didn't feel like reliving the experiences would give me any positive benefit.

So, in answer to a comment that was posted on this blog asking where I was now and what I was doing, here is the answer:

I returned to London, I went on the planned trip to Paris that my partner and I had booked. It was awkward and uncomfortable for most of the time because from the moment that I got off the plane in London, I really deep down had known what was going to happen. I had probably known it for a long time, but the strength that I'd built up whilst in Australia and the friends and family that I'd seen whilst I was there had really given me the boost in my diminished confidence to make the decision.

In a nutshell, here is what happened:

I returned to London, went to Paris. On the Monday after our weekend away,  onthe 4th July, I crumbled again, back to where I was on that Friday afternoon, sitting in the pub with my client only a month prior. I conciously made the decision to leave the relationship.

When my partner arrived home from work that evening, he asked if everything was OK and I said the words, "No, we have to talk". I then told him that I wanted to leave him. There were tears, the question why was asked a number of times, I was reassured that he would make the changes. But it was too late and the damage had already been done.

I was clear for the first time in a long time that I had made the right decision and a weight had been lifted off my shoulders - the ambivalence was gone and I was free. Of course that wasn't the end of it. I needed all of my funds to get back to Australia, so couldn't move out. He had funds, but didn't want to go somewhere else. We agreed to live together (broken up) for the next six weeks until I left for Australia again. We calmly discussed things like telling family and close friends, splitting up possessions (there weren't many jointly owned items) and making the announcement on Facebook (a pretty big decision these days).

The next six weeks were mostly good, a lot of talking through issues occurred. Although I picked up that a lot of the conversations were beginning to get repetitive and I continually felt like I was saying the same things with no further acceptance of the facts or my feelings. This was much easier to take knowing that I was leaving the relationship for the right reasons. Those six weeks meant that I left the UK with a clear, calm outlook on the relationship. I'd lived it for so long, seen it go wrong and then within the book that I read, found a name for the reasons it went so wrong.

It wasn't all roses, in those six weeks, there were two bad nights and one really bad night. On the first bad night, my ex had been out, had a few drinks with mates and had come home a little disgruntled in general. We talked, he seemed reasonable, and all was right in the world again.

On the very bad night he came home in a very verbally abusive mood and told me things like he was a great guy, that I was making a mistake, that I would soon see that the grass is not actually greener. I told him to stop and think about what he was saying a number of times before packing up my pillow and a blanket and going to sleep in the lounge room. He came down a few hours later and apologised and asked me to come back to the bed. I did, but only because I was sick at the time and the couch and loungeroom was hot and uncomfortable.

After this night I distanced myself from him. I did ask him afterwards if he meant anything that he had said and he said that he'd meant some of it. This conversation made me see that I had most definitely made the right decision, as did most of his responses and actions in those weeks.

Since I've returned to Australia, I've achieved a Certificate IV in Small Business Management and gained a government grant to start my own business, which I've now done. I've moved to a new city, to be near my sister and her family. My little niece arrived on Boxing Day and I am so happy that I made the decision to be here for that and to support my family as much as I can.

I have dated. I've had some doozies of dates actually. I've had a rebound relationship - that's a whole other post. I developed another ridiculous crush on someone who I'm now friends with, and that I respect and admire as a person.

The most important thing that I want to emphasise here though is that it hasn't all been smooth running. I've taken on a lot of new things in quick succession and have nearly failed at some, I've become better at identifying the downward spirals in my mood, usually around a key event in the breakup process, and how I need to deal with it.

I have had contact with my ex on a semi-regular basis, however just recently he deleted me as a Facebook friend. This was upsetting, but not because my ex deleted me, but because I really thought that we had the being friendly (if not actually friends) with the ex thing sussed. And because he told me that it was because we weren't really speaking, when we had been - but also when he has loads of other people on Facebook that he doesn't speak to.

My point is that each time I hit another obstacle, I review how far I've come and how much I've achieved. Yes I've made mistakes in this process, but I have learnt from them and moved forward each time. I've had the valuable support of those friends and family that supported me in the lead up to, making and reviewing of my decision to leave.

And I have to say that leaving was the best decision that I have ever made. I have found the me that I can be, the me that I will be in a future relationship. I look in the mirror now and see the good things as well as the things that I'd like to change, but the good things are the things that I'm proud of and look at most! I am not so self-conscious in the company of others and I have built a great friendship base here in my new home town and have a very active social life full of fun, laughs and genuine friendships.

I will always love my ex for the part that he played in my life. He was a big part of my 20s and we did have some good times - some great times and some absolutely life-altering times. I choose to look back fondly on these times with the knowledge that we weren't right for each other. I have learnt so much from this relationship and I have regained much strength since I left it.

The most important lesson that I've learnt though is that it's not over. The process of recovery and finding that happiness in the world that will mean that I'm able to open myself up to another relationship is an on-going one. And even when I am ready to meet someone new, I am more reassured with each day that passes that I won't lose myself within a relationship ever again.

I'm not sure if I'll continue blogging. I have written since the breakup, however I haven't blogged. I'm not sure why not, but I did always want to keep blogging through the break up process and recovery. Sometimes words don't come that easily to me and at other times, like today, they flow with ease.

I do want to thank those friends and family that have supported me throughout this entire process and to those that have read this blog. Not many of my friends and family have the address for this blog, but it's been an important part of the process too.