2269 Reasons never to wonder "What if...?"

I'm just kidding, I won't be giving you 2,269 reasons but I will give you some musings from the last day or two. You see every now and then I find myself checking up on people from my past. Friends, family members and exes that I haven't thought about or heard from in some time.

Well of course, good old trusty Facebook with the "On this day" feature popped up with some timely reminders of a trip to Greece a lifetime ago. A trip with my ex who featured within this blog and one that went down in history as being both awesome and probably one of those trips where there were some serious red flags that I didn't see despite being right in front of me.

When those memories pop up, most of the time I find myself thinking, "Oh that was such a fun time", "What a trip" or something equally positive. I inevitably see a picture of me and my ex together and then I immediately think, "I wonder how he is?” I've never wished him bad and I only ever hoped that he'd find his happiness as I've found mine. The more that I've discovered that my life is exactly what I'd always hoped it would be, the more I appreciate how wrong we were for each other. A hindsight that sometimes only time and distance can bring.

So once I've had that thought, I usually pop on over to my trusty social media channels and have a look-see. And what did I see yesterday when I looked? A lifestyle full of wanderlust, itchy feet, international adventures and generally the kinds of travel that professional travel writers don't even get to experience in their lifetime.

My ex is living his dream and despite not knowing what else was happening in his world and knowing full well what a picture on social media is worth in as far as depicting your mental state (it doesn't), your true wealth (it can never), whatever reality you're living (impossible to do with one picture and one handy dandy hashtag) and most importantly your authentic happiness (only you will ever know that).

I do hope he is happy though. I have never held any ill will towards him. I would never invite him into my life again in any capacity and I'm happy that he seems to be living the life he always dreamt of and envied others doing.

Most importantly for my own sense of satisfaction, I would prefer my suburban family lifestyle over some crazy travelling nomad’s lifestyle any day. The fact that six years on he is still travelling all over the globe and according to social media, loving it, tells me yet again that I did the right thing for me but also for him in deciding to leave.

I was talking to a friend over lunch and we were discussing how miserable he would have been had he gone along with my dream. But I have to say, I would have been equally miserable travelling the globe any longer than my three years of doing so. For me it was a phase in my life that I by no means regret. For him it was a lifestyle choice. That's the difference between us though and when it comes down to it, fundamental differences like lifestyle and what your definition of happiness is can make or break a relationship.

I look at my husband, three children, two dogs, and the modest three bedroom home we live in and I feel like the richest, happiest person on the planet. I have everything I ever hoped for and I'm happy. Being happy is my ultimate goal in life and I am. Of course there are tough times, challenging times and times when it's all a bit much. But I've never regretted anything about the life I live today and I especially don't regret leaving the relationship that this blog was about.

2,192 Days Later... A lifetime lived in such a short time

I actually can't believe that I'm writing this update on the six year anniversary of my decision to leave. Six years on and still I am thankful every single day that I made that decision. Never looking back and wondering "what if?", never holding any regret or sorrow of that loss.

Where am I now?

I married a wonderful man last August who has taken my girls on as his own. We knew each other before the girls were conceived but it didn't get romantic until the girls were about 10 months old. It's not all roses all the time, but gee it's wonderful to have a relationship that is constantly evolving in a positive direction for the most part. Like most couples, we have our set backs. But we use those opportunities to grow as people, as a couple and to move forward together stronger than before.

We bought a house early last year, we fell pregnant around the same time and I was offered a part time job that worked in perfectly with our family. We had our son in December and our girls are turning three this October and they are still the light of my life  We rescued two dogs, one early last year and one earlier this year and our family is now pretty full and complete.

Life has changed a lot for me and every year at this time I get a little reflective on life in general and find myself celebrating the years since I left. I share my experience with others and still get the occassional comment via the blog about how someone else was helped by my story.

This is a short update, but one to say that I'm doing well.

1500 Days Later... Quite a fitting update

Well, it has indeed been a significant journey over the past 1500 days and as I came in to write a little update, I decided that I might work out how many days between the break up (4 July 2011) and today (12 August 2015) only to discover that it's been 1500 days.Whilst I have no idea what I've done for most of those 1500 days, I can tell you that I have been for the most part happy (a life ambition of mine), always moving forwards in a positive direction and always choosing to have a positive outlook on life.

In the last week I took the opportunity to re-read back through this blog and can I tell you something? I have learnt so much more about myself since I finished writing this. I was simply marvelling at the place that I came from and where I am now.

So, an update. The last time I wrote I was seeing someone that I was pretty in to, well that ended because I quickly realised that he wasn't for me.Upon wrapping up that particular relationship, I made a concious decision to just be alone for a while and focus on my new job and try to make the best go of that I could. Well the world had another path ready for me entirely.

It's probably easier to tell you where I am right now rather than how I got here (because there are days when I don't quite believe how I got here myself). I am a mum, of twin girls. They are beautiful and the love I have for them is unlike anything that I've ever felt before in my life. Becoming a mother I have discovered that this is what I was always destined to do (a bit new agey I know, but stick with me). The girls are the result of a one night stand with a man that I barely knew (still don't) and to him I will be eternally grateful for the part he played in giving me the most precious gifts in the world. The last 18 months through my pregnancy and the first 10 months of my girl's lives, I have grown as a person, more than I ever thought possible. I have found true happiness in my world and I wouldn't change a single second of the life that has brought me to this moment in time.

I'm not going to pretend that life is easy, it's not. I'm not going to pretend that I haven't had my share of heartbreak, dissapointment and tears to get to this point - because I definitely have. I'm not even going to pretend that I know what's next - because no one possibly could (and if you've read this whole blog, you'll know that at times I didn't even know when I was hypothesising about what the future may hold). But what I will tell you is that I have no regrets. I reflect often on the decisions made and I can safely say that I will always stick by my decision to leave the relationship that I blogged about and not for one moment have I ever changed my mind on this point or thought about the "what it's".

I actually saw the man that I blogged about last March at a mutual friend's wedding and it was nice (for me anyway) to catch up with him and have a chat. It was a moment of realisation for me at the time as I was 10 weeks pregnant and it wasn't officially announced. As I spoke to him about whether we were single/taken (both single) and happy in our lives, it became more apparent to me than ever that I had continued to grow and move on at a rate much faster than he.

I still (very occasionally) speak to the man that this blog was written about. My personal opinion is that he is someone that defines "happiness" very clearly in his mind and when he achieves what he has defined as the ultimate act/goal/outcome of happiness, he realises that it wasn't actually something that was going to make him happy. It is my opinion that he will never stop doing this to himself and those around him. I can't imagine how exhausted he is always chasing the unachievable.

I still get such great joy from reading comments from people who have read my blog telling me about how it's helped them. For me, this was one of the main aims. The other aim was to be accountable to myself as I went through the journey of ending a long term relationship that I'd been emotionally jailed into for many years beyond what should have been acceptable.

As for what the future holds for me? I'm currently studying education with the aim to become a primary school teacher in time for my girls to go to school (we can all start school together). I am enjoying being a stay at home mum with my girls and watching them grow and develop everyday. Their cuddles, kisses and giggles are simply the best. My openness to romantic options for the future is very much there, maybe you'll have an update 2000 days later with the gossip. ;)

Who am I? I am the luckiest woman on earth. I am confident, happy and so full of optimism for what the future holds that some days I could burst. I am someone who acknowledges the journey that brought me to this place in time and someone who takes the tentative steps into the future, excited for what's ahead and the adventures that I'll be taking.

I always end these little updates wondering if I'll blog here again. I hope so, life is really just beginning isn't it? :D

839 Days Later (not that I'm keeping count)

Long time no write and boy what a journey I have been on. I haven't reflected on what I've previously written this time, but here I am at 2:20am on a Saturday night, sober as a judge writing yet another entry into this blog.

Oh, the lessons I've learnt over time. About July of this year my life (finally) started taking positive turns. I was done with learning lessons and was ready to get serious about life. Within two months I had a new job, new car, new home, new man (and new pots and pans and knives.... but that's another story).

The reader's digest of what I've been up to since I last wrote... In April last year, I fell in love with a married man, had an affair and subsequently his marriage broke up and we were in a relationship for about 9 months. He ended up leaving me to go back to his wife, which wasn't such a bad thing for me as it only took me a month or two to reflect, forgive myself and move on (with the help of a very dear friend from the past who took me into her home and was the best friend I could ask for). He was an old school friend - there was a familiarity there with him and although I swore never to be with anyone who was divorced or who had kids (I wanted to be the first everything), we made a go of it for a short time. What I learnt was that I definitely wanted kids - I just wanted some of my own and with someone who hadn't had four kids to two women and to someone who wasn't already (currently) married. Say what you will, nothing can hurt me more than the words of my sister asking what I would have done to someone doing what I had to her and my niece. It took a while, and it was tough, but I did forgive myself for doing what I did.

Almost a year to the day after I started seeing the married guy, I started dating a guy call Ryan who on paper was everything that I was wanting in a partner. That ended after two months of very rocky dating when he decided that he couldn't see a future. I personally hadn't invested either way, so needless to say the next night had a one night stand and moved quickly on.

Finally and presently. In June I started talking to a lovely guy, whom I'm currently in a relationship with. I'm experiencing my third semi-serious relationship since I left my relationship in London (not counting flings and rebound affairs). If there's something that I've learnt - it is that every relationship needs the freshest start you can give it. The cleaner the slate, the easier it is to accept someone for who they are and love them anyway.

The one thing that I will say with reference to this entire blog is this: I am so glad that I left. The man that I left said to me at one stage that I would regret leaving him, that I would see that the grass isn't always greener and that I would see what a great guy he was. Well I'll tell you this - I have not once regretted my decision and despite learning a lot more lessons and making some mistakes, I am truly thankful for the strength that I have developed over time. The knowledge that I am my best self, that no one can break me, that I have to be true to myself first and foremost and that ultimately I can be happy in a relationship. I have been taught the power of unconditional love, the power of taking risks and experimenting and the power of generosity. Things that I didn't have within the relationship that I left. Things that I appreciate every day and things that I am learning to be better at myself.

I love the random comments that I receive on here every now and then and thank you for taking the time to read what I've written. The whole process of writing what I went through helped me discover myself and I hope that it's helped anyone else that has read it.

I remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday, googling the things I did, discovering the book and desperately finding it to download and read ASAP. The revelations that followed were absolutely life changing and I haven't looked back, except to forgive myself and others who wronged me over time. You can't carry hatred in your heart for too long or it will turn you into a toxic, hateful person. It took me a long time to forgive myself and others and now I look back with fondness at the good times, forgetting most of the bad times but knowing enough that they happened so that I don't ever wonder "what if...".

If you have read this blog and become a follower and have your own journey, I'd love to hear it.

235 Days Later

I'll be honest, I thought about writing a round up for this blog over the New Year period. The reason? I'd hit another obstacle in my path to recovering my prior self. But then I made a realisation - that I was no longer emotionally tied to this situation that I found my way out of.

I will also admit that on writing this particular post, I haven't read through the entirety of my previous posts - the reason again was quite simply that I started, and couldn't continue, knowing how far I'd come on my path. I didn't feel like reliving the experiences would give me any positive benefit.

So, in answer to a comment that was posted on this blog asking where I was now and what I was doing, here is the answer:

I returned to London, I went on the planned trip to Paris that my partner and I had booked. It was awkward and uncomfortable for most of the time because from the moment that I got off the plane in London, I really deep down had known what was going to happen. I had probably known it for a long time, but the strength that I'd built up whilst in Australia and the friends and family that I'd seen whilst I was there had really given me the boost in my diminished confidence to make the decision.

In a nutshell, here is what happened:

I returned to London, went to Paris. On the Monday after our weekend away,  onthe 4th July, I crumbled again, back to where I was on that Friday afternoon, sitting in the pub with my client only a month prior. I conciously made the decision to leave the relationship.

When my partner arrived home from work that evening, he asked if everything was OK and I said the words, "No, we have to talk". I then told him that I wanted to leave him. There were tears, the question why was asked a number of times, I was reassured that he would make the changes. But it was too late and the damage had already been done.

I was clear for the first time in a long time that I had made the right decision and a weight had been lifted off my shoulders - the ambivalence was gone and I was free. Of course that wasn't the end of it. I needed all of my funds to get back to Australia, so couldn't move out. He had funds, but didn't want to go somewhere else. We agreed to live together (broken up) for the next six weeks until I left for Australia again. We calmly discussed things like telling family and close friends, splitting up possessions (there weren't many jointly owned items) and making the announcement on Facebook (a pretty big decision these days).

The next six weeks were mostly good, a lot of talking through issues occurred. Although I picked up that a lot of the conversations were beginning to get repetitive and I continually felt like I was saying the same things with no further acceptance of the facts or my feelings. This was much easier to take knowing that I was leaving the relationship for the right reasons. Those six weeks meant that I left the UK with a clear, calm outlook on the relationship. I'd lived it for so long, seen it go wrong and then within the book that I read, found a name for the reasons it went so wrong.

It wasn't all roses, in those six weeks, there were two bad nights and one really bad night. On the first bad night, my ex had been out, had a few drinks with mates and had come home a little disgruntled in general. We talked, he seemed reasonable, and all was right in the world again.

On the very bad night he came home in a very verbally abusive mood and told me things like he was a great guy, that I was making a mistake, that I would soon see that the grass is not actually greener. I told him to stop and think about what he was saying a number of times before packing up my pillow and a blanket and going to sleep in the lounge room. He came down a few hours later and apologised and asked me to come back to the bed. I did, but only because I was sick at the time and the couch and loungeroom was hot and uncomfortable.

After this night I distanced myself from him. I did ask him afterwards if he meant anything that he had said and he said that he'd meant some of it. This conversation made me see that I had most definitely made the right decision, as did most of his responses and actions in those weeks.

Since I've returned to Australia, I've achieved a Certificate IV in Small Business Management and gained a government grant to start my own business, which I've now done. I've moved to a new city, to be near my sister and her family. My little niece arrived on Boxing Day and I am so happy that I made the decision to be here for that and to support my family as much as I can.

I have dated. I've had some doozies of dates actually. I've had a rebound relationship - that's a whole other post. I developed another ridiculous crush on someone who I'm now friends with, and that I respect and admire as a person.

The most important thing that I want to emphasise here though is that it hasn't all been smooth running. I've taken on a lot of new things in quick succession and have nearly failed at some, I've become better at identifying the downward spirals in my mood, usually around a key event in the breakup process, and how I need to deal with it.

I have had contact with my ex on a semi-regular basis, however just recently he deleted me as a Facebook friend. This was upsetting, but not because my ex deleted me, but because I really thought that we had the being friendly (if not actually friends) with the ex thing sussed. And because he told me that it was because we weren't really speaking, when we had been - but also when he has loads of other people on Facebook that he doesn't speak to.

My point is that each time I hit another obstacle, I review how far I've come and how much I've achieved. Yes I've made mistakes in this process, but I have learnt from them and moved forward each time. I've had the valuable support of those friends and family that supported me in the lead up to, making and reviewing of my decision to leave.

And I have to say that leaving was the best decision that I have ever made. I have found the me that I can be, the me that I will be in a future relationship. I look in the mirror now and see the good things as well as the things that I'd like to change, but the good things are the things that I'm proud of and look at most! I am not so self-conscious in the company of others and I have built a great friendship base here in my new home town and have a very active social life full of fun, laughs and genuine friendships.

I will always love my ex for the part that he played in my life. He was a big part of my 20s and we did have some good times - some great times and some absolutely life-altering times. I choose to look back fondly on these times with the knowledge that we weren't right for each other. I have learnt so much from this relationship and I have regained much strength since I left it.

The most important lesson that I've learnt though is that it's not over. The process of recovery and finding that happiness in the world that will mean that I'm able to open myself up to another relationship is an on-going one. And even when I am ready to meet someone new, I am more reassured with each day that passes that I won't lose myself within a relationship ever again.

I'm not sure if I'll continue blogging. I have written since the breakup, however I haven't blogged. I'm not sure why not, but I did always want to keep blogging through the break up process and recovery. Sometimes words don't come that easily to me and at other times, like today, they flow with ease.

I do want to thank those friends and family that have supported me throughout this entire process and to those that have read this blog. Not many of my friends and family have the address for this blog, but it's been an important part of the process too. 

London bound

Tonight I leave Australia to travel back to London. Everyone has been asking if I'm looking forward to it. The answer is quite simply, yes and no. I am looking forward to getting on with life, but I have caught up with so many good friends and of course, my family since I've been here.

I am confident that I've found the awesome person that disappeared somewhere else over the last year or more. I am happy, energised and looking forward to winding up all of my work commitments in the UK in order to come back to Australia at the end of the year.

As for my relationship - I feel that my partner and I had a break through moment whilst talking on the phone this morning. For the first time, he actually agreed with me that he had issues (hence the way that he's treated me). I've told him that I'm not going to stand for it anymore and that he's going to have to straighten up his act if he wants a future with me. He blamed his mum for the issues, which is probably a likely source of his problems. However he needs to take responsibility too.

We are booked in to see a relationship counsellor next week and I'm hoping to be able to blog about that too. I've found out recently that some of our friends have seen a counsellor (and they are still together), which is nice to know. Everyone usually hides their relationship problems so that no one knows what goes on, but since I've been away, it appears that everyone has problems, some more serious than others, some people more easily able to work them through with their partners. I do hope that when I get back to London that I will see that I have a future with my partner, but if it turns out that the problems between us are too far gone, then I hope that we happily move on to better relationships by realising how we have gone wrong with this one.

Conclusion

Wow, I've just been hit by a brick. Or at least that's how it feels. The conclusion of the book, which I've had to pause reading because I was crying too much wasn't a happy ending :(

 

I don't know what I was looking for, but it wasn't confirmation that I should leave my relationship. But I answered the questions honestly, I even blogged them so that I couldn't be in denial about the answers. And what it all pointed to was that my relationship is too bad to stay in.

 

The author says that I'm going to be quite emotional about it all - which is an understatement. But she said that it's natural to feel loads of different emotions when you find the clarity that you should leave. She says that it doesn't mean that I shouldn't go.

 

I'm devastated. I don't know what I was looking for, but it wasn't to leave my relationship. Not really. I was looking for a sign that we weren't that bad and that we could make it through this and come out the other end smiling. The conclusion of the book has really thrown me and it isn't as if the author is saying, just go to therapy and you'll be fine. She's saying under no circumstances should you reconsider the outcome, it is what it is and you have answered these questions in a way that means I'd be happier to leave.

 

I'm stunned. I'm in denial. But I'm not confused. I'm feeling very guilty and sad. But the author is right, there is clarity there.

 

For weeks and possibly months I've know that this was coming. I've known the outcome that was right. But I was in denial. I wouldn't have travelled halfway around the globe if I had thought that there was a chance that we could make it.

 

I haven't told my partner any of this. I have to wait until we are face to face to have this conversation. One person that reads this blog knows who I am. So she knows everything that I've written and has been a confident the entire past month. That is when the real crux of this situation kicked off. When I met Mr A, who although didn't do anything directly to make me think, but triggered some kind of catalyst reaction, through which I have now come out the other end of.

 

I'm sure that I will still try to give it a go when I get back in some form or other. It's hard to remove yourself from a dream that was otherwise one of a happily ever after with the man that I've loved for the better part of my adult life.

 

As I finish the last week of my holiday here in Australia, I will be thinking more and more about this blog, and will write again I'm sure. It has been a secret get away from my thoughts, a place to collect all of my imagined and real thoughts and experiences.

Diagnostic Question # 36

Question
If all the problems in your relationship were magically solved today, would you still feel ambivalent about whether to stay or leave?

My answer
This is the tricky bit. The book has been designed so that if you answer in the negative, and the author recommends that you leave - that you shouldn't read any further. What I wanted to achieve was a list of things that my partner and I can work through together to try and make the relationship better.

However, the trick comes in this question, because I think that even if everything were immediately better - I would still feel ambivalent about this relationship. Why? Because I think that there is too much water under the bridge. I think that I lost myself, and both of us let me do this. I think that having to answer the uncountable questions about marriage, when we'd be doing it, or why not has worn me down. I think that it's great that my partner now sees himself getting married, but perhaps I'm too jaded with historical bullshit, delay tactics and whatever else to believe him. I think that overall I would be happier by myself than with anyone else.

Why am I going to stay (for now)? I have committed to relationship counselling. I will probably blog about it if I can here. I feel an immense amount of guilt because there were a number of stages in my relationship where I could have made it better, or helped to anyway. I feel like I owe the last six and a half years at least a few months to try to reconcile everything that has gone wrong.

Am I doing what's right by me? Maybe I am, perhaps by following this path, I will realise that I was right to doubt our relationship. Perhaps I'll find a way to absolve my guilt about this situation that started with a relationship silently sinking, an unexpected crush that lead me down the path of doubt, anger, hurt, sadness and guilt. But maybe I will also see that this whole thing was an imagination on my part, some way to escape a scary relationship, one that was going to be forever and binding. I won't know until I start the course of counselling.

Quick take
If you don't know whether you want to stay even if nothing were wrong, then you don't want to stay.

My prognosis
This whole book has pointed me to leaving. It's not so much what my partner has done wrong or right, but how I perceive him to have treated me over time. How our relationship got so bad. I'm committed to counselling and spending at least two months on this path. Then I'll reassess and make my decision. In the meantime, I'm going to work towards being a better person to myself first and foremost.

Am I denying the inevitable? Certainly am. Why? Because I feel an obligation to this relationship. I feel like I owe it to my partner and myself to bring back the true person that I am. If he likes it, then great. If he doesn't, then it'll be goodbye from me.

Diagnostic Question # 35

Question
Do you currently share goals and dreams for your life together?


My answer
We have both said that we want to move back to Australia, start a family, buy a house and try to keep travelling every year to somewhere new.

Quick take
Sharing a passion makes it easier to share a life.

My prognosis
Although the author says that answering no to this question doesn't mean anything in particular, I think the bare bones of it is that it's a yes for me here. That is only considering if my partner genuinely wants the same things. I worry sometimes that his lack of commitment might mean that he doesn't want these things, but this whole exercise has shown me that we have a lot of issues to sort out if we are going to make it to this point anyway.

Diagnostic Question # 34

Question
Does your relationship support your having fun together?

My answer
Yes, we could, can and will always be able to have fun together. I've just stopped enjoying more things because I feel so resentful towards my partner for wanting to do them. Is it just homesickness? I guess we'll see when I get back to London with a fresh look on everything.

Quick take
Fun is the glue of love.

My prognosis
For now the answer to this question shows that this is an area that if other things were fixed in, we would be able to stay together knowing that we could have fun now and in years to come.

Diagnostic Question # 33

Question
When the subject of intimacy comes up between you and your partner, is there generally a battle over what intimacy is and how to get it?

My answer
Confession time. I haven't ever really thought about what I consider to be intimacy. It's not something I've ever really had to think about or analyse in this respect before. I've actually had to just google it because I am totally lost with this question, here is the definition I found:
in·ti·ma·cy

noun /ˈintəməsē/  intimacies, plural Close familiarity or friendship; closeness - the intimacy between a husband and wife A private cozy atmosphere - the room had a peaceful sense of intimacy about it An intimate act, esp. sexual intercourse

Now, from reading this definition, I would say that my partner's definition of intimacy would be sex. Our sex life has dwindled in recent times, and is something that I don't feel like spending time on too much these days. My partner must view this as his idea of intimacy because he's been saying that he hasn't felt loved. Not to mention the actual conversations that we've had about lack of sex.

So, what do I see as intimacy? What I've found from googling it is that it's hard to define, it's something that only you and those who experience intimacy with you know. I think that intimacy for me is for someone to know the warts and all version of me and to love me regardless. I think that sharing innermost thoughts, fears and emotions shows intimacy. I honestly don't have an answer to this question because I am not sure if I have experienced true intimacy with my partner.

Even now, stuck continents away from each other, he's telling me that he doesn't like me writing my emotions down (which is why this blog is anonymous). I've been too afraid of his response to share my true feelings about marriage with him. I probably haven't been as honest with myself or him over the years because of various things that have occurred or been said that have altered the way I approach a situation. I have moulded myself to feedback that he's given me over time and now I haven't been true to myself.

Quick take
If getting close drives you apart, you can never get close.

My prognosis
What I know from my answer, my quest for happiness that I'm on is that I have to start taking more of a stand for what I want, including coming to a compromise as to what we think intimacy is and how we can show it to each other.

Diagnostic Question # 32

Question
Given the way your partner acts, does it feel as though in getting close to you what he’s most interested in is subjecting you to his anger and criticism?

My answer
This is a deep and serious question that you would be well advised to read the book about here. However I feel comfortable answering No to it.


Quick take
If getting close to your partner feels like you're getting into the boxing ring with him or her, then it's time to end the match.


My prognosis
I don't think that we have a problem with this area of intimacy, so in the case of this question, I'd be happier if I stayed.

Diagnostic Question # 31

Question
Is there some particular need that’s so important to you that if you don’t get it met, looking back you’ll say your life wasn’t satisfying, and are you starting to get discouraged about ever having it met?

My answer
Up until recently, as I've previously answered, my big unmet need was marriage. And I would say that up until about six months ago, this was an unmet need that I had put in a box and come to peace with not having it met. But more and more recently, I've started to think that this is actually not the case and that I have changed my mind. It's my prerogative after all to do so. What I neglected to do however was to tell my partner. Why? Fear. Pure and simple, I was afraid that by me telling him about my change of heart, that it would be the end of our relationship. He had said as much historically when I'd asked him at various times about marriage, what scared him, why he "didn't believe in it" and why he didn't want it.

Recently I got the answer. And it was that he was scared of being hurt. So there weren't actually any fundamental issues with him and marriage itself, but I think it was more to do with me and him and our relationship. It was a wake up call that hurt. I could have been the girl that broke up with her fella, only to find out a few months later that he was engaged or indeed married to someone else. It wasn't about him and his beliefs after all, it seems to me that it was about this faith in our relationship.

If you've read previously blogs, then you will have read how he revealed that marriage was a reality for him these days - a matter of hours before I flew out of the UK to have a think about what I wanted and what that meant for our relationship. The timing wasn't great, my reaction wasn't great, and my subsequent thought process around his motives hasn't been great.

Quick take
Beware of unmet needs so important they sow the seeds of hate.

My prognosis
But overall, in answer to this question, I think that marriage, or some level of commitment close to it has now become something that will make my life satisfying when I look back at it in years to come. I have related this to my partner whilst I've been here. However his way of communicating doesn't really extend to skype as he told me this morning, and he wants to speak about everything face to face when I'm back. He is very angry at me for leaving him in London to take this holiday. And some say rightly so. I however have  learnt to be a little bit selfish in the last few weeks and have to ask - if I truly thought that there was no other alternative, then surely something is so deeply wrong with our relationship that we are both to blame.

The author goes on to say put up or shut up... never have truer words been spoken to me. Even when I was "OK" with the no marriage thing, I still spoke about it an awful lot. So clearly I was always just making excuses, lying to myself and others and lying about my relationship most of all. I feel very sad about this because if I'd been truer to myself a long time ago, then perhaps things could have either changed or ended at that time. I let love blind my true desires and I will never let that happen again.

Diagnostic Question # 30

Question
Is it likely that, if you have a reasonable need, you and your partner will be able to work out a way for you to get it met without too painful a struggle?

My answer
For this answer, I'm going to answer the question using four areas that the author provides:

1. When my partner makes it too hard for me to get my needs met by doing what he wants when he wants by himself without talking to me about it.
Some may call this example a communication problem, but it feels like to me that my partner is acting independently of our relationship when he does it.

My partner has a very bad habit of going for last minute drinks after work, phoning or texting me from the pub to let me know and telling me that he's staying for one or two. He then almost always proceeds to stay until the last tube and arrive home drunk. At first I would wait for him after his "couple" of drinks, but then I realised what this meant and started going ahead and making dinner and accepting invitations for drinks of my own.

He also makes purchases without asking, but not the detriment of our shared finances - because we don't have shared finances.

2. When talking about even the littlest things are a big ordeal.
We do have different ways of communicating. I'm very emotive and think aloud, whereas my partner is logical and likes to think about things for a long time before committing to something. I do feel like he doesn't listen to me sometimes, that everything I say is tangled around. That even when I try to make sure that I listen to him effectively, by writing down what he says so that I don't tangle his words, he accuses me of trying to trap him by recording what he's saying.

Another way that things can become an ordeal is when one (or in our case I think, both) of the partnership are historians. Everything that is discussed hooks into something in the past.

3. When your partner who agrees to meet your needs but doesn't keep the agreement.
There are two ways that my partner approaches this. 1. He just won't agree to do something. Or 2. He agrees in such broad terms that he can get around fulfilling the agreement. This is no end of frustrating.

An example of 1. is that when I've asked him to contribute and help out with the household chores (we live in a share house, so it's even more frustrating for me personally when he doesn't do his fair share). He says he can't commit to anything or that it's my responsibility to remind him. When I ask him to make a calendar reminder about it, he refuses. When I remind him about it, he forgets. This is a no win situation.

An example of 2. is when we last hit a very rough patch, about three and a half years ago. We decided on a five year plan, including travelling, living overseas, travel, saving, come back to Australia, get good jobs, save more money and then get a home loan and try for kids. This plan was never concrete, as you can imagine it couldn't possibly be, however it has changed. But it now feels as though there are always obstacles in the way of us coming back to Australia and settling down. He says that he doesn't like the friends that we left behind because he doesn't feel as though he can have the conversations that he likes to have with people. He says that he has more places that he wants to see. He says that he wants to ride around Australia on our return and doesn't think we can do it with kids. All of these things I see as obstacles, carefully placed to ensure that he doesn't have to fulfil the agreement that we had. Whereby his greatest desire was to travel and live freely and mine was to settle.

This has become such a big issue that my partner has now actively hidden the fact that he's been thinking more about children and marriage from me because he doesn't want to lock anything into a concrete plan. What a relationship right?

4. Being polite to the point of resentment and avoidance.
I think that in reality, to the most extent, this is where we are at in our relationship. I find myself constantly agreeing to things because it's easier than putting forward what it is that I want. I find that I will do the various household chores, or remind him to do it, and then carry around resentment about it. This isn't a good way to be - I have come to the realisation of this recently. However I am hoping to change going forward. To become a better negotiator and to represent myself more fairly in this relationship.

Quick take
Frustration, fear, and deprivation are nature's way of telling you that this relationship is not your home.

My prognosis
Wow. The quick take here has been my life for a longer time than I'm really comfortable thinking about. Perhaps this is why we have been unable to move forward on some issues, or why some issues just keep coming up in different ways or shapes.

Even as I typed it, my realisation was that I would be happier if I left based on this question.

Diagnostic Question # 29

Question
Is there a demonstrated capacity and mechanism for genuine forgiveness in your relationship?

My answer
Yes.

Quick take
If you can't find your way to forgiveness, you can't find your way back to each other.

My prognosis
I think that we can both forgive each other for the issues that were outlined in question 29, because we have forgiven each other historically.

Diagnostic Question # 28

Question
Whatever was done that caused hurt and betrayal, do you have a sense that the pain and damage has lessened with time?

My answer
There have been varying levels of betrayal and disappointments more recently, and I will be using this guidance to help me determine (if we stay together) if they can be worked through.

1. He pulled the marriage topic into the mix suddenly and unexpectedly and I felt a huge sense of betrayal because he hadn't told me about it before this time.

2. I left the country to sort my head out. He feels hurt and abandoned. And when I asked if he could move forward from it today, he said he didn't know.

At the moment though, as of the current time, there aren't any major hurts or betrayals that we are trying to work through,

Quick take
Time heals all healable wounds.

My prognosis
This question doesn't apply to us at the moment, but will become important as we try to overcome the outcomes of the past 27 questions that the answer has resulted in a prognosis of "I would be better of leaving".

Diagnostic Question # 27

Question
Would you lose anything important in your life if your partner were no longer your partner? Is what you'd lose something that makes you feel good about your partner for being able to provide it?

My answer
My partner has a number of things that I might miss if he weren't my partner anymore:

1. He introduces me to new music (I sometimes feel resentful rather than good about this because it's always his music, never mine).
2. He opens my mind to other movie genres (again, it's usually all about him and I go and see my movies alone).
3. He is a security blanket (I think that this is a surface issue, and I would equally feel good if I had my own security blanket/savings, etc).
4. He is my travel buddy (I would be sad, but this can't be a deciding factor in everything).
5. He knows how to calm me down if I get anxious when travelling (Sometimes he actually causes the anxiety by pushing my stress buttons).

The question asks me to consider what it means to answer no to this question, it would mean that essentially my partner doesn't offer anything to the relationship, that I would lose nothing worthwhile by leaving. As much as I don't want to think that this would be the case, I fear that it may be.

Quick take
There's no need to keep something you wouldn't miss if it were gone or that you don't value when you've got it.

My prognosis
The last part of the quick take sentence hits home, "or that you don't value when you've got it". I don't value my partner for what he can offer me because I've spent a long time thinking that I can have everything on my own. Whether this is true or not, I'm not sure, but there isn't anything specific that my partner does that makes me respect him and want to stay right now.

Diagnostic Question # 26

Question
Do you feel that your partner, overall and more often than not, shows concrete support for and genuine interest in the things you’re trying to do that are important to you?

My answer
My example of this is a good one I think.You see my main problem is that I think everything is rosy, until I hear myself recounting a story about my partner that makes me cringe when I hear myself saying something like "my partner doesn't like it when I...", etc. So, my example here is when I wanted to go out on my own with my own company, with clients and an independent legal structure. My partner was all for it - I would like to think that it was mainly because it was something that I was good at, passionate about and was able to do. But a part of me thinks that he was behind it because I was going to be able to earn more money, have more flexibility and wouldn't complain about work.

Things that he did to show concrete support is that for the first few months he would loan me money when my client's cheque was being banked. And for some people, this might not seem huge, but my partner isn't usually very generous with his money. And although he knew I could and would pay him back, it was nice that he was supportive in this way - it made it less stressful for me to ask for the money for the first few months when I was getting on my feet.

He has also shown support and heard about my worries and stresses about this move from employment to self-employment. But at the same time, I have asked for some help (i.e. he is much better at photoshop/design programs and I wanted help with the design aspects of my logo), and he hasn't delivered. But overall, it has been a positive, supported move for me.

Quick take
Being there when it counts is respect that delivers.

My prognosis
On the basis of this question, it appears that the relationship is too good to leave.

Diagnostic Question # 25

Question
As you think about your partner’s disrespect, is it clear to you that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for times where you absolutely must interact?

My answer
The quick answer to this question is yes. In some respects, I have stopped interacting with my partner at a level where I can limit the amount of hurt and pain that he is able to inflict on me. My closed ended responses to his put downs, patronising looks and questions has been "whatever!" or to simply walk away, silently seething. But every time that I have responded in this way, I have always questioned my own confidence in my knowledge, opinion or thought. I have gone to lengths sometimes to look up what I was debating on behalf of to prove that I was right, only to receive no response, a meaningless "you were right" or alternative almost follow up put down, an example that hasn't happened that I can remember would be "you went to all of that effort to prove me wrong?".

I have also tried to stand up for myself. This was prior to the shut down phase. I have told my partner that he has disrespected me (pre-book times), and he has laughed it off, gotten defensive or put me down again. And I think this is how I then developed the self-defense mechanism of simply not entering into debates, conversations or topical conversations. I have even heard myself saying "I don't know, perhaps you're right, I don't know enough about it" where historically I would have hypothesised, guessed in an educated way or asked what the actual circumstances were.

Quick take
The water's too bad to drink when you find that you've stopped drinking the water. Avoidance and distance are the measure of a level of disrespect that, even though it's nontoxic, is too unpleasant for you to have to put up with.

My prognosis
This and the last question is something that I had discovered prior to getting the book, but the book allowed me to put it into words. My partner when I raised this as an issue, told me that I should have raised the issue with him before the time that I did. When I said that I did, he said that I mustn't have done it well enough. I told him that every time I did, he became unbearably defensive and it was hard for me to respond when he demanded exact examples of what he had done. And because I'd stopped writing my thoughts and feelings down because he'd historically been hurt by something that he shouldn't have but did read, I couldn't give him examples, even though I know the way that I felt when he did this to me.

Based on the answer to this and the last question, it appears as though I would be happier if I left the relationship.

Diagnostic Question # 24

Question
Does your partner do such a good job of conveying the idea that you’re a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you that you’ve started to really become demonstrably convinced of it yourself?

My answer
This is an important one to me. I feel as though in my relationship, over time I have been disrespected of my opinion many times. And to the point where I felt as though my opinion was not worthy of the general public, that I would end up prefacing everything that I say with a disclaimer of "I can't remember where I heard it", that I even more recently found myself doubting my knowledge on something that I had read in the paper that very morning and was fact. How had it gotten that way? Because a lot of the time when I expressed any opinion about something I felt, thought or knew, I was shut down.

The shut down came in various ways, either my partner would take the story away from me, correcting me and showing anyone else nearby that I my knowledge wasn't to be trusted. He might have just shaken his head in this annoying way he has with a patronising smile on his face. He might have told me that he didn't want to discuss something anymore that we had been (I thought anyway) good naturedly debating. He Would even just flat deny my opinion, which lead to me using the phrase "I think" or "That's what I think anyway" to everything that was an unqualified opinion.

What has been the result of what I have since come to perceive as a constant shut down of my personal opinion? I had more recently started to either censor or preface my comments, not comfortable making flipant, throw away judgements of current events. I stopped reading about current events so that I wouldn't be tempted to comment. I even got to the point where if my partner responded with one of his many variances on a shut down, that I would respond of one of two ways, one - I would say "whatever", silently burning with anger and resentment of his put down, or two - I would not say anything. And although I'm writing this blog anonymously, I will tell you that my friends and family know that I have an opinion on most things most of the time. So for me to all of a sudden shut down myself, was very out of character, and something that I now attribute to the position I am in, relationship ambivalence, a severe case of no self confidence, feeling like I'm not equipped to make one of the most important decisions of my life - stay or go.

Quick take
If someone started to cut your legs out from under you, you've got to walk out while you still have legs.

My prognosis
If it were based on this decision alone, then the answer is to leave. But given that there are some other issues within this book that I have found lead me to believe that relationship counselling or leaving would be my best options. Just spending this time in Australia has led me to achieve a few things that I didn't think I would be able to do (partly because historically my partner has said that I can't and partly because I had such self doubt). One was to drive from the Sunshine Coast to Townsville solo (I was tempted to offer a lift to backpackers to keep me company, but ended up vowing to do it alone and I did!). Two was cutting ties temporarily with my relationship to gain my self confidence back, to find out if my relationship or me as a person is holding me back. And although it may still be because I was trying to prove myself, but I feel like I really have found a little part of myself that I didn't have a week before I left London.