Saturday 19 October 2013

839 Days Later (not that I'm keeping count)

Long time no write and boy what a journey I have been on. I haven't reflected on what I've previously written this time, but here I am at 2:20am on a Saturday night, sober as a judge writing yet another entry into this blog.

Oh, the lessons I've learnt over time. About July of this year my life (finally) started taking positive turns. I was done with learning lessons and was ready to get serious about life. Within two months I had a new job, new car, new home, new man (and new pots and pans and knives.... but that's another story).

The reader's digest of what I've been up to since I last wrote... In April last year, I fell in love with a married man, had an affair and subsequently his marriage broke up and we were in a relationship for about 9 months. He ended up leaving me to go back to his wife, which wasn't such a bad thing for me as it only took me a month or two to reflect, forgive myself and move on (with the help of a very dear friend from the past who took me into her home and was the best friend I could ask for). He was an old school friend - there was a familiarity there with him and although I swore never to be with anyone who was divorced or who had kids (I wanted to be the first everything), we made a go of it for a short time. What I learnt was that I definitely wanted kids - I just wanted some of my own and with someone who hadn't had four kids to two women and to someone who wasn't already (currently) married. Say what you will, nothing can hurt me more than the words of my sister asking what I would have done to someone doing what I had to her and my niece. It took a while, and it was tough, but I did forgive myself for doing what I did.

Almost a year to the day after I started seeing the married guy, I started dating a guy call Ryan who on paper was everything that I was wanting in a partner. That ended after two months of very rocky dating when he decided that he couldn't see a future. I personally hadn't invested either way, so needless to say the next night had a one night stand and moved quickly on.

Finally and presently. In June I started talking to a lovely guy, whom I'm currently in a relationship with. I'm experiencing my third semi-serious relationship since I left my relationship in London (not counting flings and rebound affairs). If there's something that I've learnt - it is that every relationship needs the freshest start you can give it. The cleaner the slate, the easier it is to accept someone for who they are and love them anyway.

The one thing that I will say with reference to this entire blog is this: I am so glad that I left. The man that I left said to me at one stage that I would regret leaving him, that I would see that the grass isn't always greener and that I would see what a great guy he was. Well I'll tell you this - I have not once regretted my decision and despite learning a lot more lessons and making some mistakes, I am truly thankful for the strength that I have developed over time. The knowledge that I am my best self, that no one can break me, that I have to be true to myself first and foremost and that ultimately I can be happy in a relationship. I have been taught the power of unconditional love, the power of taking risks and experimenting and the power of generosity. Things that I didn't have within the relationship that I left. Things that I appreciate every day and things that I am learning to be better at myself.

I love the random comments that I receive on here every now and then and thank you for taking the time to read what I've written. The whole process of writing what I went through helped me discover myself and I hope that it's helped anyone else that has read it.

I remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday, googling the things I did, discovering the book and desperately finding it to download and read ASAP. The revelations that followed were absolutely life changing and I haven't looked back, except to forgive myself and others who wronged me over time. You can't carry hatred in your heart for too long or it will turn you into a toxic, hateful person. It took me a long time to forgive myself and others and now I look back with fondness at the good times, forgetting most of the bad times but knowing enough that they happened so that I don't ever wonder "what if...".

If you have read this blog and become a follower and have your own journey, I'd love to hear it.