Tuesday 28 June 2011

London bound

Tonight I leave Australia to travel back to London. Everyone has been asking if I'm looking forward to it. The answer is quite simply, yes and no. I am looking forward to getting on with life, but I have caught up with so many good friends and of course, my family since I've been here.

I am confident that I've found the awesome person that disappeared somewhere else over the last year or more. I am happy, energised and looking forward to winding up all of my work commitments in the UK in order to come back to Australia at the end of the year.

As for my relationship - I feel that my partner and I had a break through moment whilst talking on the phone this morning. For the first time, he actually agreed with me that he had issues (hence the way that he's treated me). I've told him that I'm not going to stand for it anymore and that he's going to have to straighten up his act if he wants a future with me. He blamed his mum for the issues, which is probably a likely source of his problems. However he needs to take responsibility too.

We are booked in to see a relationship counsellor next week and I'm hoping to be able to blog about that too. I've found out recently that some of our friends have seen a counsellor (and they are still together), which is nice to know. Everyone usually hides their relationship problems so that no one knows what goes on, but since I've been away, it appears that everyone has problems, some more serious than others, some people more easily able to work them through with their partners. I do hope that when I get back to London that I will see that I have a future with my partner, but if it turns out that the problems between us are too far gone, then I hope that we happily move on to better relationships by realising how we have gone wrong with this one.

Thursday 23 June 2011

Conclusion

Wow, I've just been hit by a brick. Or at least that's how it feels. The conclusion of the book, which I've had to pause reading because I was crying too much wasn't a happy ending :(
 
I don't know what I was looking for, but it wasn't confirmation that I should leave my relationship. But I answered the questions honestly, I even blogged them so that I couldn't be in denial about the answers. And what it all pointed to was that my relationship is too bad to stay in.
 
The author says that I'm going to be quite emotional about it all - which is an understatement. But she said that it's natural to feel loads of different emotions when you find the clarity that you should leave. She says that it doesn't mean that I shouldn't go.
 
I'm devastated. I don't know what I was looking for, but it wasn't to leave my relationship. Not really. I was looking for a sign that we weren't that bad and that we could make it through this and come out the other end smiling. The conclusion of the book has really thrown me and it isn't as if the author is saying, just go to therapy and you'll be fine. She's saying under no circumstances should you reconsider the outcome, it is what it is and you have answered these questions in a way that means I'd be happier to leave.
 
I'm stunned. I'm in denial. But I'm not confused. I'm feeling very guilty and sad. But the author is right, there is clarity there.
 
For weeks and possibly months I've know that this was coming. I've known the outcome that was right. But I was in denial. I wouldn't have travelled halfway around the globe if I had thought that there was a chance that we could make it.
 
I haven't told my partner any of this. I have to wait until we are face to face to have this conversation. One person that reads this blog knows who I am. So she knows everything that I've written and has been a confident the entire past month. That is when the real crux of this situation kicked off. When I met Mr A, who although didn't do anything directly to make me think, but triggered some kind of catalyst reaction, through which I have now come out the other end of.
 
I'm sure that I will still try to give it a go when I get back in some form or other. It's hard to remove yourself from a dream that was otherwise one of a happily ever after with the man that I've loved for the better part of my adult life.
 
As I finish the last week of my holiday here in Australia, I will be thinking more and more about this blog, and will write again I'm sure. It has been a secret get away from my thoughts, a place to collect all of my imagined and real thoughts and experiences.

Diagnostic Question # 36



Question
If all the problems in your relationship were magically solved today, would you still feel ambivalent about whether to stay or leave?

My answer
This is the tricky bit. The book has been designed so that if you answer in the negative, and the author recommends that you leave - that you shouldn't read any further. What I wanted to achieve was a list of things that my partner and I can work through together to try and make the relationship better.

However, the trick comes in this question, because I think that even if everything were immediately better - I would still feel ambivalent about this relationship. Why? Because I think that there is too much water under the bridge. I think that I lost myself, and both of us let me do this. I think that having to answer the uncountable questions about marriage, when we'd be doing it, or why not has worn me down. I think that it's great that my partner now sees himself getting married, but perhaps I'm too jaded with historical bullshit, delay tactics and whatever else to believe him. I think that overall I would be happier by myself than with anyone else.

Why am I going to stay (for now)? I have committed to relationship counselling. I will probably blog about it if I can here. I feel an immense amount of guilt because there were a number of stages in my relationship where I could have made it better, or helped to anyway. I feel like I owe the last six and a half years at least a few months to try to reconcile everything that has gone wrong.

Am I doing what's right by me? Maybe I am, perhaps by following this path, I will realise that I was right to doubt our relationship. Perhaps I'll find a way to absolve my guilt about this situation that started with a relationship silently sinking, an unexpected crush that lead me down the path of doubt, anger, hurt, sadness and guilt. But maybe I will also see that this whole thing was an imagination on my part, some way to escape a scary relationship, one that was going to be forever and binding. I won't know until I start the course of counselling.

Quick take
If you don't know whether you want to stay even if nothing were wrong, then you don't want to stay.

My prognosis
This whole book has pointed me to leaving. It's not so much what my partner has done wrong or right, but how I perceive him to have treated me over time. How our relationship got so bad. I'm committed to counselling and spending at least two months on this path. Then I'll reassess and make my decision. In the meantime, I'm going to work towards being a better person to myself first and foremost.

Am I denying the inevitable? Certainly am. Why? Because I feel an obligation to this relationship. I feel like I owe it to my partner and myself to bring back the true person that I am. If he likes it, then great. If he doesn't, then it'll be goodbye from me.

Diagnostic Question # 35

Question
Do you currently share goals and dreams for your life together?


My answer
We have both said that we want to move back to Australia, start a family, buy a house and try to keep travelling every year to somewhere new.

Quick take
Sharing a passion makes it easier to share a life.

My prognosis
Although the author says that answering no to this question doesn't mean anything in particular, I think the bare bones of it is that it's a yes for me here. That is only considering if my partner genuinely wants the same things. I worry sometimes that his lack of commitment might mean that he doesn't want these things, but this whole exercise has shown me that we have a lot of issues to sort out if we are going to make it to this point anyway.

Diagnostic Question # 34

Question
Does your relationship support your having fun together?

My answer
Yes, we could, can and will always be able to have fun together. I've just stopped enjoying more things because I feel so resentful towards my partner for wanting to do them. Is it just homesickness? I guess we'll see when I get back to London with a fresh look on everything.

Quick take
Fun is the glue of love.

My prognosis
For now the answer to this question shows that this is an area that if other things were fixed in, we would be able to stay together knowing that we could have fun now and in years to come.

Diagnostic Question # 33

Question
When the subject of intimacy comes up between you and your partner, is there generally a battle over what intimacy is and how to get it?

My answer
Confession time. I haven't ever really thought about what I consider to be intimacy. It's not something I've ever really had to think about or analyse in this respect before. I've actually had to just google it because I am totally lost with this question, here is the definition I found:
in·ti·ma·cy
noun /ˈintəməsē/ 
intimacies, plural
  1. Close familiarity or friendship; closeness
    • - the intimacy between a husband and wife
  2. A private cozy atmosphere
    • - the room had a peaceful sense of intimacy about it
  3. An intimate act, esp. sexual intercourse

Now, from reading this definition, I would say that my partner's definition of intimacy would be sex. Our sex life has dwindled in recent times, and is something that I don't feel like spending time on too much these days. My partner must view this as his idea of intimacy because he's been saying that he hasn't felt loved. Not to mention the actual conversations that we've had about lack of sex.

So, what do I see as intimacy? What I've found from googling it is that it's hard to define, it's something that only you and those who experience intimacy with you know. I think that intimacy for me is for someone to know the warts and all version of me and to love me regardless. I think that sharing innermost thoughts, fears and emotions shows intimacy. I honestly don't have an answer to this question because I am not sure if I have experienced true intimacy with my partner.

Even now, stuck continents away from each other, he's telling me that he doesn't like me writing my emotions down (which is why this blog is anonymous). I've been too afraid of his response to share my true feelings about marriage with him. I probably haven't been as honest with myself or him over the years because of various things that have occurred or been said that have altered the way I approach a situation. I have moulded myself to feedback that he's given me over time and now I haven't been true to myself.

Quick take
If getting close drives you apart, you can never get close.

My prognosis
What I know from my answer, my quest for happiness that I'm on is that I have to start taking more of a stand for what I want, including coming to a compromise as to what we think intimacy is and how we can show it to each other.

Diagnostic Question # 32

Question
Given the way your partner acts, does it feel as though in getting close to you what he’s most interested in is subjecting you to his anger and criticism?

My answer
This is a deep and serious question that you would be well advised to read the book about here. However I feel comfortable answering No to it.


Quick take
If getting close to your partner feels like you're getting into the boxing ring with him or her, then it's time to end the match.


My prognosis
I don't think that we have a problem with this area of intimacy, so in the case of this question, I'd be happier if I stayed.

Monday 20 June 2011

Diagnostic Question # 31

Question
Is there some particular need that’s so important to you that if you don’t get it met, looking back you’ll say your life wasn’t satisfying, and are you starting to get discouraged about ever having it met?

My answer
Up until recently, as I've previously answered, my big unmet need was marriage. And I would say that up until about six months ago, this was an unmet need that I had put in a box and come to peace with not having it met. But more and more recently, I've started to think that this is actually not the case and that I have changed my mind. It's my prerogative after all to do so. What I neglected to do however was to tell my partner. Why? Fear. Pure and simple, I was afraid that by me telling him about my change of heart, that it would be the end of our relationship. He had said as much historically when I'd asked him at various times about marriage, what scared him, why he "didn't believe in it" and why he didn't want it.

Recently I got the answer. And it was that he was scared of being hurt. So there weren't actually any fundamental issues with him and marriage itself, but I think it was more to do with me and him and our relationship. It was a wake up call that hurt. I could have been the girl that broke up with her fella, only to find out a few months later that he was engaged or indeed married to someone else. It wasn't about him and his beliefs after all, it seems to me that it was about this faith in our relationship.

If you've read previously blogs, then you will have read how he revealed that marriage was a reality for him these days - a matter of hours before I flew out of the UK to have a think about what I wanted and what that meant for our relationship. The timing wasn't great, my reaction wasn't great, and my subsequent thought process around his motives hasn't been great.

Quick take
Beware of unmet needs so important they sow the seeds of hate.

My prognosis
But overall, in answer to this question, I think that marriage, or some level of commitment close to it has now become something that will make my life satisfying when I look back at it in years to come. I have related this to my partner whilst I've been here. However his way of communicating doesn't really extend to skype as he told me this morning, and he wants to speak about everything face to face when I'm back. He is very angry at me for leaving him in London to take this holiday. And some say rightly so. I however have  learnt to be a little bit selfish in the last few weeks and have to ask - if I truly thought that there was no other alternative, then surely something is so deeply wrong with our relationship that we are both to blame.

The author goes on to say put up or shut up... never have truer words been spoken to me. Even when I was "OK" with the no marriage thing, I still spoke about it an awful lot. So clearly I was always just making excuses, lying to myself and others and lying about my relationship most of all. I feel very sad about this because if I'd been truer to myself a long time ago, then perhaps things could have either changed or ended at that time. I let love blind my true desires and I will never let that happen again.

Diagnostic Question # 30

Question
Is it likely that, if you have a reasonable need, you and your partner will be able to work out a way for you to get it met without too painful a struggle?

My answer
For this answer, I'm going to answer the question using four areas that the author provides:

1. When my partner makes it too hard for me to get my needs met by doing what he wants when he wants by himself without talking to me about it.
Some may call this example a communication problem, but it feels like to me that my partner is acting independently of our relationship when he does it.

My partner has a very bad habit of going for last minute drinks after work, phoning or texting me from the pub to let me know and telling me that he's staying for one or two. He then almost always proceeds to stay until the last tube and arrive home drunk. At first I would wait for him after his "couple" of drinks, but then I realised what this meant and started going ahead and making dinner and accepting invitations for drinks of my own.

He also makes purchases without asking, but not the detriment of our shared finances - because we don't have shared finances.

2. When talking about even the littlest things are a big ordeal.
We do have different ways of communicating. I'm very emotive and think aloud, whereas my partner is logical and likes to think about things for a long time before committing to something. I do feel like he doesn't listen to me sometimes, that everything I say is tangled around. That even when I try to make sure that I listen to him effectively, by writing down what he says so that I don't tangle his words, he accuses me of trying to trap him by recording what he's saying.

Another way that things can become an ordeal is when one (or in our case I think, both) of the partnership are historians. Everything that is discussed hooks into something in the past.

3. When your partner who agrees to meet your needs but doesn't keep the agreement.
There are two ways that my partner approaches this. 1. He just won't agree to do something. Or 2. He agrees in such broad terms that he can get around fulfilling the agreement. This is no end of frustrating.

An example of 1. is that when I've asked him to contribute and help out with the household chores (we live in a share house, so it's even more frustrating for me personally when he doesn't do his fair share). He says he can't commit to anything or that it's my responsibility to remind him. When I ask him to make a calendar reminder about it, he refuses. When I remind him about it, he forgets. This is a no win situation.

An example of 2. is when we last hit a very rough patch, about three and a half years ago. We decided on a five year plan, including travelling, living overseas, travel, saving, come back to Australia, get good jobs, save more money and then get a home loan and try for kids. This plan was never concrete, as you can imagine it couldn't possibly be, however it has changed. But it now feels as though there are always obstacles in the way of us coming back to Australia and settling down. He says that he doesn't like the friends that we left behind because he doesn't feel as though he can have the conversations that he likes to have with people. He says that he has more places that he wants to see. He says that he wants to ride around Australia on our return and doesn't think we can do it with kids. All of these things I see as obstacles, carefully placed to ensure that he doesn't have to fulfil the agreement that we had. Whereby his greatest desire was to travel and live freely and mine was to settle.

This has become such a big issue that my partner has now actively hidden the fact that he's been thinking more about children and marriage from me because he doesn't want to lock anything into a concrete plan. What a relationship right?

4. Being polite to the point of resentment and avoidance.
I think that in reality, to the most extent, this is where we are at in our relationship. I find myself constantly agreeing to things because it's easier than putting forward what it is that I want. I find that I will do the various household chores, or remind him to do it, and then carry around resentment about it. This isn't a good way to be - I have come to the realisation of this recently. However I am hoping to change going forward. To become a better negotiator and to represent myself more fairly in this relationship.

Quick take
Frustration, fear, and deprivation are nature's way of telling you that this relationship is not your home.

My prognosis
Wow. The quick take here has been my life for a longer time than I'm really comfortable thinking about. Perhaps this is why we have been unable to move forward on some issues, or why some issues just keep coming up in different ways or shapes.

Even as I typed it, my realisation was that I would be happier if I left based on this question.

Diagnostic Question # 29

Question
Is there a demonstrated capacity and mechanism for genuine forgiveness in your relationship?

My answer
Yes.

Quick take
If you can't find your way to forgiveness, you can't find your way back to each other.

My prognosis
I think that we can both forgive each other for the issues that were outlined in question 29, because we have forgiven each other historically.

Diagnostic Question # 28

Question
Whatever was done that caused hurt and betrayal, do you have a sense that the pain and damage has lessened with time?

My answer
There have been varying levels of betrayal and disappointments more recently, and I will be using this guidance to help me determine (if we stay together) if they can be worked through.

1. He pulled the marriage topic into the mix suddenly and unexpectedly and I felt a huge sense of betrayal because he hadn't told me about it before this time.

2. I left the country to sort my head out. He feels hurt and abandoned. And when I asked if he could move forward from it today, he said he didn't know.

At the moment though, as of the current time, there aren't any major hurts or betrayals that we are trying to work through,

Quick take
Time heals all healable wounds.

My prognosis
This question doesn't apply to us at the moment, but will become important as we try to overcome the outcomes of the past 27 questions that the answer has resulted in a prognosis of "I would be better of leaving".

Diagnostic Question # 27

Question
Would you lose anything important in your life if your partner were no longer your partner? Is what you'd lose something that makes you feel good about your partner for being able to provide it?

My answer
My partner has a number of things that I might miss if he weren't my partner anymore:
  1. He introduces me to new music (I sometimes feel resentful rather than good about this because it's always his music, never mine).
  2. He opens my mind to other movie genres (again, it's usually all about him and I go and see my movies alone).
  3. He is a security blanket (I think that this is a surface issue, and I would equally feel good if I had my own security blanket/savings, etc).
  4. He is my travel buddy (I would be sad, but this can't be a deciding factor in everything).
  5. He knows how to calm me down if I get anxious when travelling (Sometimes he actually causes the anxiety by pushing my stress buttons).
The question asks me to consider what it means to answer no to this question, it would mean that essentially my partner doesn't offer anything to the relationship, that I would lose nothing worthwhile by leaving. As much as I don't want to think that this would be the case, I fear that it may be.

Quick take
There's no need to keep something you wouldn't miss if it were gone or that you don't value when you've got it.

My prognosis
The last part of the quick take sentence hits home, "or that you don't value when you've got it". I don't value my partner for what he can offer me because I've spent a long time thinking that I can have everything on my own. Whether this is true or not, I'm not sure, but there isn't anything specific that my partner does that makes me respect him and want to stay right now.

Diagnostic Question # 26

Question
Do you feel that your partner, overall and more often than not, shows concrete support for and genuine interest in the things you’re trying to do that are important to you?

My answer
My example of this is a good one I think.You see my main problem is that I think everything is rosy, until I hear myself recounting a story about my partner that makes me cringe when I hear myself saying something like "my partner doesn't like it when I...", etc. So, my example here is when I wanted to go out on my own with my own company, with clients and an independent legal structure. My partner was all for it - I would like to think that it was mainly because it was something that I was good at, passionate about and was able to do. But a part of me thinks that he was behind it because I was going to be able to earn more money, have more flexibility and wouldn't complain about work.

Things that he did to show concrete support is that for the first few months he would loan me money when my client's cheque was being banked. And for some people, this might not seem huge, but my partner isn't usually very generous with his money. And although he knew I could and would pay him back, it was nice that he was supportive in this way - it made it less stressful for me to ask for the money for the first few months when I was getting on my feet.

He has also shown support and heard about my worries and stresses about this move from employment to self-employment. But at the same time, I have asked for some help (i.e. he is much better at photoshop/design programs and I wanted help with the design aspects of my logo), and he hasn't delivered. But overall, it has been a positive, supported move for me.

Quick take
Being there when it counts is respect that delivers.

My prognosis
On the basis of this question, it appears that the relationship is too good to leave.

Diagnostic Question # 25

Question
As you think about your partner’s disrespect, is it clear to you that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for times where you absolutely must interact?

My answer
The quick answer to this question is yes. In some respects, I have stopped interacting with my partner at a level where I can limit the amount of hurt and pain that he is able to inflict on me. My closed ended responses to his put downs, patronising looks and questions has been "whatever!" or to simply walk away, silently seething. But every time that I have responded in this way, I have always questioned my own confidence in my knowledge, opinion or thought. I have gone to lengths sometimes to look up what I was debating on behalf of to prove that I was right, only to receive no response, a meaningless "you were right" or alternative almost follow up put down, an example that hasn't happened that I can remember would be "you went to all of that effort to prove me wrong?".

I have also tried to stand up for myself. This was prior to the shut down phase. I have told my partner that he has disrespected me (pre-book times), and he has laughed it off, gotten defensive or put me down again. And I think this is how I then developed the self-defense mechanism of simply not entering into debates, conversations or topical conversations. I have even heard myself saying "I don't know, perhaps you're right, I don't know enough about it" where historically I would have hypothesised, guessed in an educated way or asked what the actual circumstances were.

Quick take
The water's too bad to drink when you find that you've stopped drinking the water. Avoidance and distance are the measure of a level of disrespect that, even though it's nontoxic, is too unpleasant for you to have to put up with.

My prognosis
This and the last question is something that I had discovered prior to getting the book, but the book allowed me to put it into words. My partner when I raised this as an issue, told me that I should have raised the issue with him before the time that I did. When I said that I did, he said that I mustn't have done it well enough. I told him that every time I did, he became unbearably defensive and it was hard for me to respond when he demanded exact examples of what he had done. And because I'd stopped writing my thoughts and feelings down because he'd historically been hurt by something that he shouldn't have but did read, I couldn't give him examples, even though I know the way that I felt when he did this to me.

Based on the answer to this and the last question, it appears as though I would be happier if I left the relationship.

Diagnostic Question # 24

Question
Does your partner do such a good job of conveying the idea that you’re a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you that you’ve started to really become demonstrably convinced of it yourself?

My answer
This is an important one to me. I feel as though in my relationship, over time I have been disrespected of my opinion many times. And to the point where I felt as though my opinion was not worthy of the general public, that I would end up prefacing everything that I say with a disclaimer of "I can't remember where I heard it", that I even more recently found myself doubting my knowledge on something that I had read in the paper that very morning and was fact. How had it gotten that way? Because a lot of the time when I expressed any opinion about something I felt, thought or knew, I was shut down.

The shut down came in various ways, either my partner would take the story away from me, correcting me and showing anyone else nearby that I my knowledge wasn't to be trusted. He might have just shaken his head in this annoying way he has with a patronising smile on his face. He might have told me that he didn't want to discuss something anymore that we had been (I thought anyway) good naturedly debating. He Would even just flat deny my opinion, which lead to me using the phrase "I think" or "That's what I think anyway" to everything that was an unqualified opinion.

What has been the result of what I have since come to perceive as a constant shut down of my personal opinion? I had more recently started to either censor or preface my comments, not comfortable making flipant, throw away judgements of current events. I stopped reading about current events so that I wouldn't be tempted to comment. I even got to the point where if my partner responded with one of his many variances on a shut down, that I would respond of one of two ways, one - I would say "whatever", silently burning with anger and resentment of his put down, or two - I would not say anything. And although I'm writing this blog anonymously, I will tell you that my friends and family know that I have an opinion on most things most of the time. So for me to all of a sudden shut down myself, was very out of character, and something that I now attribute to the position I am in, relationship ambivalence, a severe case of no self confidence, feeling like I'm not equipped to make one of the most important decisions of my life - stay or go.

Quick take
If someone started to cut your legs out from under you, you've got to walk out while you still have legs.

My prognosis
If it were based on this decision alone, then the answer is to leave. But given that there are some other issues within this book that I have found lead me to believe that relationship counselling or leaving would be my best options. Just spending this time in Australia has led me to achieve a few things that I didn't think I would be able to do (partly because historically my partner has said that I can't and partly because I had such self doubt). One was to drive from the Sunshine Coast to Townsville solo (I was tempted to offer a lift to backpackers to keep me company, but ended up vowing to do it alone and I did!). Two was cutting ties temporarily with my relationship to gain my self confidence back, to find out if my relationship or me as a person is holding me back. And although it may still be because I was trying to prove myself, but I feel like I really have found a little part of myself that I didn't have a week before I left London.

Diagnostic Question # 23

Question
With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem easier, more attractive and make staying no longer desirable?

My answer
I guess that by completing this exercise, I have realised that I could leave a normal and happy life with or without my partner. If my final decision is to leave, then I know that I'm a sensible enough person to take calculated risks and ensure that financially and otherwise I am secure.
 
Quick take
If leaving makes sense when you really check into it, then it makes sense to leave.
 
My prognosis
I'm not sure what this means exactly. I guess that I shouldn't use any of these fears to stop me from making the decision that I ultimately come to.

Diagnostic Question # 22

Question
With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem impossible, difficult or unpleasant?

My answer
No, I'd like to think that I've been quite realistic about what it would be like if I left. We are financially separate, we don't own many things together, and although these are essentially the reasons (the lack of commitment that is) that I am considering leaving, it does make it easier to go. I think that the easier it is to leave a relationship, the easier it is to answer no to this question. For me, having some higher level of committed relationship has been important since the beginning. However I can see failings from both sides, barriers even that have prevented us from living in partnership these past six years. It's sad to see that we've both been so neglectful, but it is a reality that now makes it easy for me to think that leaving is a more viable option.

Quick take
If staying makes sense when you really check into it, it makes sense to stay.

My prognosis
This question and my subsequent answer doesn't necessarily bind or unbind our relationship. But it does make me see that we have been living separate lives the entire time that we have been together. And unless there is a major change or shift in our life together, then our relationship is going to become very confusing when it comes to children.

Excercise

When I first read this book, I didn't fully participate in this exercise because I truly wasn't sure of what I wanted to do. I felt like completing this exercise would be a betrayal to my relationship. Now, having had almost two weeks away from my partner, and having had a really relaxing break hanging out with my sister and her husband, I think I can commit to this exercise.

The following is an exercise that the author asks you to complete prior to continuing to the next questions:

Things I look forward to in my new life when I think about leaving
This is something that I think I have been thinking about for a while as a self-defence mechanism. For a long time now, I have finally recognised, I was scared of the future without my partner. However having taken the time away from him and London, I can see clearly that our relationship isn't perfect, and even more clearly that it's not as scary as I think if my decision is finally to leave this relationship.

Things that I look forward to are:
1. Getting my own place, possibly sharing with one or two other like-minded, considerate people.
Is this true?
This is a reality, and one that I would like to have if I did leave.

Is this likely?
Very likely. No matter where I end up in the world, I can get a share house/my own unit or home or any other place to live.

What else is possible?
One day I might be able to save up for my own home.

What is most likely?
If I was to leave, I might stay with family or friends in the short term, but eventually I could live on my own again very easily.

2. Unpacking all of my belongings and making a home (because most of the household things that are currently packed up in storage are actually things that I purchased, knowing that if I asked my partner to contribute, that he would say that we didn't need these things, so I felt guilty for asking him to pay. We own three things together jointly in Australia - 1. A sofa that his mum is currently using in our absence, 2. The coffee table and 3, The TV unit. In the UK, everything is jointly owned, but of no great consequence (such as the computer that my company technically owns, a desk, some drawers and misc. tables, etc)).

Is this true?
Yes.

Is this likely?
Yes.

What else is possible?
I could buy my own belongings to compliment those that I have already.

What is most likely?
I would like having all of my belongings around me again.

3. Dating again (yes this appears below too, but I am an eternal romantic, so the idea of dating without consequence is appealing from that point of view).
Is this true?
After a while, I would make friends, start dating and playing sport. So yes.

Is this likely?
It would have to be as most of our friends are couple friends.

What else is possible?
I could meet someone more like-minded and committed to me.

What is most likely?
I will be on my own for a while, meeting new people, maybe dating here and there. I might get a dog and make a life that I'm happy, confident and better within.

4. Getting to know myself, be accountable to only me and to become happy again in my own skin.
Is this true?
It will have to be, there won't be any distractions!

Is this likely?
As above.

What else is possible?
I find a person that I'm truly happy to be and will be more confident in myself going forward.

What is most likely?
That I will force myself to be a better person and to contribute more fully to all of my relationships going forward.

5. Travelling alone (This trip has made me see that I can do anything that I set my mind to, it would be nice to travel from place to place, working for my company and still earning money as I go!).
Is this true?
Whilst it will be a little bit scary to begin with, I think I will like taking trips on my own.

Is this likely?
Mostly likely as I won't really have a choice.

What else is possible?
I could discover that I like travelling on my own.

What is most likely?
That I will take some trips on my own, but will eventually want to share the experience with other people again. 

Things I’m afraid of in my new life that make me think about staying. 
This is more difficult. Overall I have become less scared of moving away, because I didn't want fear or guilt to keep me in the relationship alone. I am afraid though of:

1. Realising that I made the biggest mistake of my life (although I have to question why that could be if I am so truly confused about this situation still).
Is this true?
I don't really think it will be if that's the decision I come to.

Is this likely?
If I make the decision, then I think that I will have put every possibility onto the table in order to make it, so I don't think that I will have many regrets.

What else is possible?
That I realise that I made the best decision of my life.

What is most likely?
I truly don't know, and won't until I'm there. It's a tricky and emotional situation.

2. Getting rejected whilst dating again.
Is this true?
More than likely, I'm a very emotive person and sometimes others don't understand that, especially men.

Is this likely?
More than likely for sure. It's happened in the past and I'm sure it will happen again.

What else is possible?
That I find someone special who treats me well in every way and that wants to have an equal, loving and respectful relationship with me.

What is most likely?
I will get hurt here and there, but at least I'll be living the life that will be true to myself.

3. I'll feel really guilty about leaving .
Is this true?
I already do when I think about leaving, but if I make the decision, it won't be make lightly, so I think I'll be happy with it.

Is this likely?
I think it is going to be something that I feel guilty about for a long time.

What else is possible?
That I quickly realise that the decision I made was the best one for me, and despite having to hurt others in making it, I had to be true to my needs first.

What is most likely?
I will hurt my partner with the decision, I will feel sad, but I think that if this is the decision that I make, then I will be stronger for it.

4. Not finding someone who I'll have as much fun as I did in the early days with my partner.
Is this true?
It might be if I have made the decision for the wrong reasons.

Is this likely?
I'd like to think that it won't be based on the fact that I've been thinking about little else for the past month or more.

What else is possible?
I can move on with my life in other ways, build a great group of friends, get a dog, meet new people who will make me laugh and provide me with fun times.

What is most likely?
I'm not sure about what is most likely, but I would like to hope that there is someone out there for me that has similar thoughts and approaches to the world and who is my soul mate. I know that being in bad relationship would be worse than being on my own for the rest of my life, which is highly unlikely.

5. Having my partner take my belongings/for me to let him have things because I feel bad.
Is this true?
I would like to think the best of him. But I don't think he realises how little he actually has without me.

Is this likely?
It is going to be difficult as most of our things are either boxed up together or stored together. Getting them from his mum's place will be an obstacle. Especially given that he will be hurting and she won't want him to hurt and may lash out because of it.

What else is possible?
That I get everything back, that I realise that I don't want anything.

What is most likely?
That I will get my things and will realise that I don't want to keep some of it anyway.

6. Not having the financial security of my partner to back me up if I get into trouble.
Is this true?
Yes in that he provides it.

Is this likely?
No in that I'm truly reliant on it.

What else is possible?
That I become more motivated to succeed because I'm on my own and have to be responsible to myself.

What is most likely?
That I'll become more cautious and answerable on the area of finances.

Friday 17 June 2011

Diagnostic Question # 21

Questions
In spite of all the ways you’re different, would you say that deep down or in some respect that’s important to you, your partner is someone just like you in a way you feel good about?
My answer
The author asks me do I feel like my partner and I are truly similar deep down and in a way that's important to me, but ensures a disclaimer that it can't just be a superficial similarity. When I think about this question, it's much easier to look at the differences between us rather than the similarities. And to find something meaningful is almost impossible. I've made a lot of changes in my life since I met my partner and I have adapted my attitudes, beliefs and a lot of other things to suit him.

The general similarities are that we grew up in the same town, we went to the same school (although a couple of years separated us). If I look at how he feels about his family compared to me with mine, I am much more in tune with my parents and sister than he is. If I look at our upbrinings, where his parents divorced and mine stayed together, then we are different.

We have shared a lot of experiences together, having lived overseas and travelled for the better part of the last three years. But these were never fundamental similarities for us before we did them. And at the end of the day, my reasons for travelling were to be with my partner and make him happy (a recurring theme that I'm hearing a lot in my own conversations about our relationship). His reasons for travelling were many and included: to not have to spend another Christmas with his family, to leave his job, to live in another country and to travel through Europe whilst doing it. Don't get me wrong, I have loved the experience and wouldn't do it any other way, but my intentions to begin with weren't clearly with my own thoughts and feelings in mind.

Quick take
Somehow, somewhere, when you look deep in your partner's eyes you've got to be able to see yourself.

My prognosis
I'm truly not sure here. I would like to think that we have something, but perhaps we did and we grew apart? Perhaps in all of the worrying about marriage and children, we've just grown apart.  Now I should ask myself the question of what it is that I would find meaningful in a future relationship? I think having a similar family background, having the same view of marriage and children, I think having someone who is happy within themselves and wants to share that with another person are all important factors here. The author says that if I truly can't find a similarity that is meaningful then I'd be happier if I left.

Diagnostic Question # 20

Question
Is there a clearly formulated, passionately held difference between you that has to do with the shape and texture and quality of your life as you actually experience it?

My answer
This is a tricky one, because until the moment that I said that I was coming to Australia for a holiday to sort out my head, I thought the answer was yes. I thought that I had changed my mind about a very important factor and that my partner still had the same views, which originally had been different to my own, but that I had accepted initially because I loved him more than the idea of marriage. Yes, there it is, marriage - the ultimate deal breaker for some (I didn't used to think it was, but the longer we'd been together I was more and more thinking about how nice it would be if my partner would make that special commitment to me).

Here is what happened:
On the Friday when I was talking to my partner about taking time out and coming to Australia for a holiday he mentioned that he's been thinking about marriage since September and has been looking at rings. At the time I was really angry at him and thought that he was using it as a control mechanism to get me to stay in London. If anything, I was really angry and confused about it all. I still am actually. He insists that he didn't intend it as a manipulation, but I just don't know. I was talking to my sister over dinner tonight and she said that sharing a life together is more than just living together, it's sharing decisions, money, belongings, pets and babies, etc. I don't feel like I've ever really had that with my partner to date. It's one of the things that I need to talk about with him. I've been observing my sister's relationship with her husband, and that of my friend with her fiance, and these people are both respectful and loving towards their partners in a way that my partner and I aren't.

After a lot of introspection, I have decided that I have changed my mind and now want marriage or some very deep and meaningful form of commitment if I'm going to be with someone. However it appears as though my partner has had the same thought too. He says that his mind started changing when I had some blood tests back that revealed that I had high cholesterol. He says that this situation (although not immediately life threatning) made him reconsider his priorities. However I'm not sure what to see this change of heart as. I am finding it impossible to think about marriage to this person who I have been mentally moving away from because I thought that he felt so very strongly about not getting married that it would be the end of our relationship if I revealed that this was in fact a deal breaker for me now.

Another issue that has always been between us (along with finances and other day to day gripes) is when to have children. I've been wanting to try for a long time and my partner has said various things such as, "I'm not ready", "I'd like us to be fit and healthy before we have children", "I want us to be settled back in Australia and for me to have a good job before we have children" and various other things.

Quick take
You live a life, you don't live a relatioship.

My Prognosis
So what to do now? I'm not sure. I have still been wavering on whether to stay or leave the relationship as I have been for some time now. I think that there has been a lot of damage done to our relationship through my resentment of him not wanting marriage. There have been a number of arguments, discussions, debates and misunderstandings over this one topic that for all intents and purposes it appears as though my partner and I are now on the same page. I think the results of this whole experience will be couples therapy to see if we can in fact work it out. Having someone there to marshall the conversations that we have, that are normally circular in structure and most of the time more recently haven't really been solving anything. I feel as though he's not actively listening to me and he feels like I've abandoned the relationship. It's a stalemate that I have no skills to solve.

As for children, these days single women can step into the life of motherhood without any risks of other diseases or abnormalities with donor insemination or IVF. There are a few organisations that offer this service and in Australia and the government is on board, providing Medicare rebates for the service and private health insurance will cover the gap. I haven't done a lot of research, but at first glance, if I wanted to have children at any stage in my life, I can all by myself with the services of a nice batch of donor sperm, from which I could also have another child if I desired it, by the same biological father.

All food for thought in this decision. But ultimately I have to ask myself the question, am I happier being married and having children with this man, or would I be happier chancing it on my own and possibly becoming a single mother when I feel that I'm ready?

Saturday 11 June 2011

Diagnostic Question # 19

Question
Has your partner violated what for you is a bottom line?
My answer
Maybe. I didn't realise that this was a bottom line until it happened. When I was telling my partner that I wanted to go home to Australia for a few days, after a bit of conversation, he said "If we're being honest, I've been thinking about marriage since September. I've even looked at rings." To fully understand how much of a betrayal this is in my eyes, you have to understand that up until the previous few weeks, he was often heard to be saying that he didn't believe in marriage.

Even in recent weeks when we've had discussions about marriage, he has practically said that if it's a bottom line for me, that I shouldn't hold out hope. I can't even tell you why this seems like a betrayal, but it feels like he's been lying - to himself, to me, I'm not sure. But for him to change his mind, even to consider the prospect of marriage was a complete surprise to me. And furthermore, for him to say this to me as I'm considering leaving the country to think about our relationship seriously. It felt like he was dangling a carrot that might make me change my mind. He swears that this isn't the case, however he also told me recently that he thought that our relationship had been in the pits for nearly 12 months - so why was he thinking about marriage to me if our relationship was at an all time low?

And as for marriage being a bottom line for me.... I'm not sure whether it is, however over all of our time together, my partner has been against any form of serious commitment, marriage being the most serious of these. He has never before expressed a want, a need, a desire for marriage. I feel like he hasn't shared this change of heart with me because it's not genuine. I feel like he's betrayed me by keeping this vital change in his approach to life to himself.

The metaphor that I put to him was "It's like you've been a vegetarian for the past 6 and a half years and I converted because you strongly believed in it and I'm used to the vegetables and now you're telling me that you really want to eat a massive steak!".

Quick take
The bottom line is the end of the line.

My prognosis
I can't specifically call him on this. No marriage was his thing. Although we've had plenty of conversations about marriage, he's even recently mentioned how much I talk about it (but we have had people around us getting married and becoming engaged). All I know is that it feels as though he lied to me. And if he wasn't genuine in his want to get married, all I can think is that he was using this very volatile subject to persuade me not to go to Australia. And if that was the case - then it's all over anyway. Whether it was previously stated or otherwise - emotional blackmail in that arena is not permitted.

Exercise

In this exercise, the author asks the reader to dig deep and discover what their "bottom lines" are.

If my partner:
  • cheated on me
  • physically abused me
  • kept a vitally important secret (such as taking drugs, quitting work, etc)
  • wanted to swing/have a threesome/experiment with other people.
then I'd feel I'd have to leave the relationship.

If my partner didn't:
  • want to commit to me
  • want to have children
  • support my career aspirations
then I'd feel I'd have to leave the relationship.

If these things were true about my partner:
  • He didn't contribute fairly to our relationship
then I'd feel I'd have to leave the relationship.

Diagnostic Question # 18

Question
As you think about your partner’s problem that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, does s/he acknowledge it and is s/he willing to do something about it and is s/he able to change?

My answer
I've asked my partner to think about therapy for his issues surrounding his parent's divorce and the way the he communicates based on what he perceives to be his mother's emotional blackmail.

Quick take
It's the ability to change that turns frogs into princes.

My prognosis
Depending on what the rest of these questions discover, it may be that therapy is a viable solution.

Diagnostic Question # 17

Question
This problem your partner has that makes you want to leave; have you tried to let it go, ignore it, stop letting it bother you? And were you successful?

My answer
Yes I've tried to ignore it, stop letting it bother me. However this almost halted all communications within our relationship. Anytime that he had a problem with something I said, he then offended me with his reply, to which I would either attack back or ignore him. Although I felt I was stronger by reacting this way, our communication within the relationship suffered greatly because of it.

Quick take
In a relationship with a future, people can let go of the problems they can't solve.

My prognosis
The author thinks that there is still hope as long as my partner is willing to try to change, so all is not lost here.

Diagnostic Question # 16

Question
Is there something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in and that s/he acknowledges but that, for all intents and purposes, s/he’s unwilling to do anything about?

My answer
He says that he's willing - but he doesn't know how.

Quick take
If you're waiting for your partner to want to change, then you're waiting for Godot.

My prognosis
Willingness isn't the problem here, it appears to be the ability to be able to do it at all.

Diagnostic Question # 15

Question
Does your partner neither see nor admit things you’ve tried to tell him/her to acknowledge that make your relationship too bad to stay in?

My answer
The author breaks this question down into four sub-sections:

1. Can he acknowledge his problem?
Only recently, my partner has acknowledged that he has a negative way of dealing with comments that I make in humour or a banter-like fashion. He blames this on the way his mum communicates in veiled criticisms.

2. Is he willing to change?
He's not so much willing to change as willing to be alerted to his reactions. However we have discussed this and he isn't sure that he can change, or that if I alter him to his reactions that he won't react in a defensive fashion.

3. Can you let go of being bothered by the problem?
No. This problem has been the basis of our relationship problems. The way that he's treated me has beaten me down, worn me out and demolished my self-esteem over time. I can't let this problem continue unless it's to my own detriment.

4. Is he able to change?
He's not sure. I personally think that this problem is something that's so ingrained into his personality that he won't be able to change.

Quick take
If your partner can't even see what it is about him that makes you want to get out, it's time to get out.

My prognosis
He has only very recently acknowledged this issue. I don't think that combined with the other problems that we have that I would be happy staying based on this question.

Diagnostic Question # 14

Question
Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner?

My answer
I don't feel any sexual attraction to my partner at this point in time, or for about the last month. Even prior to this it was difficult for me to be attracted to him and my mind always seemed to be on other things whenever he tried to initiate anything.

Quick take
If you're especially attracted to your partner, there's something special about your relationship.

My prognosisThe author says that as long as there are no other problems, I'd be happier if I stayed. At this stage however, there are other problems, so this leaves the question mostly unanswered.

Diagnostic Question # 13

Question
Do both you and your partner want to touch each other and look forward to touching each other and make efforts to touch each other?

My answer
I can't speak for him, but I personally don't feel like touching him in any way. I'm especially not feeling sexually attracted to him.

Quick take
If someone makes your flesh crawl, it's time to crawl out of the relationship.

My prognosis
This doesn't appear to be a temporary thing, or driven by a temporary change. I have been feeling less like touching and being intimate for some time, and it doesn't appear to be abating in the slightest. In this case the author says that I'd be happier in the long term if I left.

Diagnostic Question # 12

Question
Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you’re giving already, and are you willing to do this the way things are between you now, without any expectation of being paid back?

My answer
I don't know what my answer means. I am still willing to give my partner anything to make him happy (except stay in the same country). However I see this as more of a weakness of my own failing than of a show of my love for my partner. I feel resentful when I give and give and don't get anything (emotionally or otherwise) back from him. I have seen the error in my ways. Caving to his every need isn't making our relationship better, it's simply making me somehow more depended on him for security.

Quick take
When there's nothing left to give, there's nothing left at all.

My prognosis
It doesn't look good here. Maybe on a smaller level I'm willing to give something. But I can't be 100% certain of this as of the time of publication.

The author asks the reader to write out the following, which in my case is true:

As of 11 June 2011, I just don't feel willing to give unconditionally to my partner anything more than I'm giving right now.

Diagnostic Question # 11

Question
In spite of admirable qualities, and stepping back from any temporary anger or disappointment, do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to like you?

My answer
I feel like my partner has made me feel so badly about myself, and hasn't made an effort to nurture me as a person, that I don't like him anymore. I think that it's this dislike that is at the centre of other problems, such as the lack of sexual attraction.

Quick take
No like - no love.

My prognosis
Based on the fact that I can't think about anything that I like about my partner, or that would make me like him if I met him in the street now, the author says that I'll be happier in the long term if I leave. I think that if I can't find a way to like my partner again that I do need to leave.

Diagnostic Question # 10

Question
Have you got to the point, when your partner says something, that you usually feel it’s more likely that he’s lying than that he’s telling the truth?

My answer
No. This one is easy.

Quick take
If you're in a relationship with a liar, then your relationship is a lie.

My prognosisI don't think that this is a problem for us.

Diagnostic Question # 9

Question
Does it seem to you that your partner generally and consistently blocks your attempts to bring up topics or raise questions, particularly about things you care about?

My answer
My immediate answer to this question is no. However on reading the author's examples, in one of which she outlined a situation where whenever one person talks about something important to them and the other person sits there and says little, but there is an impenetrable stony quality to his "listening" that makes the other person feel like he's not allowing the information to get into his head. She said that this is what she termed as "off-the-table-itis".  There are aspects of this in other examples that she gave, but this rang true for me. Many a time I have been pouring my heart out to him, asking questions and receiving absolute silence in return. I always thought that this was a fundamental difference in our communication methods. I am very emotionally driven, he is quite logical and methodical about everything.

Perhaps this is simply another way of controlling a situation though.

Recently quite a lot has come off the table due to this relationship ambivalence. I ask him about future plans, and all sorts of other things, but he says that he can't answer until everything else is sorted out. This has become a very frustrating situation for me because a lot of my decision making depends on his answers to topics around children, marriage, where to live in the future and other very important aspects to our relationship together. Of course I'm worried too that it won't get to that - however I still need to know what his position is so that I am able to take these things into consideration.
Quick take
You'll suffocate if the dirt hits the fan whenever you try to shoot the breeze.

My prognosis
There are a lot of things that are off the table. The author feels that through a simple test of highlighting the off-the-table-itis, that if the other person then comes to the table with the topic, the relationship can be saved, but if they don't, then you'll be happier leaving. My prognosis is that there are other things to sort out that could be the death knell in this relationship before I get to this particular question.

Diagnostic Question # 8

Question
Do you have a basic, recurring, never-completely-going-away feeling of humiliation or invisibility in your relationship?

My answer
Over the last year I have found my personality and self confidence disappearing. It's been a slow shift and one that I've become intensely aware of in the last month especially. There are times when I've told an anecdote about my partner to friends, and then he waits until we're alone and tells me off for doing so. He tells me that this is about how his mum veils her criticism on a regular basis so that he automatically assumes that all comments, jokes or banter are at his expense.

He will do things like if we're having a lively debate, we'll get to a point where he'll close the conversation and tell me that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

I don't think that these things necessarily qualify for the purpose of this question. However as the author provides some examples, she mentions something about one-up-man-ship. If a man says he's tired, the partner will say that they are exhausted. This does sometimes happen within my relationship - but again, it's a minor occurrence and not something that happens every single day.

Quick take
Humiliation is the barometer of hatred.

My prognosis
I don't feel like this is something that happens very often, although when it does it just adds to the rest of the issues that we have.

Diagnostic Question # 7

Question
Does you partner bombard you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want; and is it your experience that almost any need you have gets obliterated; and if you ever do get what you want, is getting it such and ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth the effort?

My answer
I'm going to preface this answer with the statement that I have given in on so many occasions here. It is easier to keep my partner happy than to get my way. Is this my perception? Perhaps. But still, should he be happy with my bowing down to his every whim?

The key to this question is the "Power People" aspects. Now, I think, from reading what the author says about power people that my partner is one. I also think that he developed this power through his relationship with his mother, who is incessantly, intensely emotional or perhaps it was that by her being emotionally controlling, that she showed him (even subconsciously), what he had to do to "win" in situations.

The most recent example of this is when I said that I wanted to go home to Australia to get my head sorted out with this relationship. My partner told me that he felt like I was deserting the relationship and leaving at a crucial time. I simply needed to think, and tried to explain this to him. I also reassured him that we were still in a relationship, I was just going on a holiday without him. I told him that we weren't on a break, we weren't trialling a separation, it wasn't anything like that. I simply needed room to breathe and sort out my head. And although this isn't a "little" thing, it was very hard for me to put myself first when he seemed so passionate about me staying. But in the end, I had to be the most passionate and almost demand that he "let" me go. And although I knew that ultimately he didn't have the power to stop me from going, it certainly felt like he might.

I'm not sure if this next example fits into this area, however recently we were invited spontaneously to go to the opera with some friends. We went along to the Royal Opera House and asked about tickets, then ordered the £180 each tickets. It wasn't until we were on the tube home that my partner (who I should mention earns a lot more than me and saves a lot of it too) mentioned that he wasn't entirely happy about the price of tickets, and that he was a little bit stressed because he hadn't been paid yet. This led to me then trying to please him and eventually lead to me offering to pay for the tickets entirely. Although realistically I was prepared to pay for my own ticket, the fact that I ended up paying for both was almost a surprise to me. Add to this that when we exited the opera house later than night after the show, I was on cloud 9 and when I asked how he like it, he said "it wasn't really my thing". I think in this situation the least he could have done was said thank you.

There are a lot of examples of him ultimately getting his way or making me feel guilty about getting "my way".

Quick take
The author says that if almost any need that I have somehow gets obliterated or that when I do get something I want that it feels like such an ordeal that I don't think it was worth it that I would be happier in the long run if I left.

My prognosis 
This is an important issue for me. I feel like that (hopefully subconsciously) my partner is riding roughshod over my self esteem, my sense of self worth and my own personal power. I think in this case he isn't able to make the changes required for me to be happy staying. This is an inbuilt power that he has been nurtured on from birth. The only thing that I can think of that would help in this case might be therapy - couples, individual, or otherwise.

Australia calling

The past week has been a surprising one to say the least. I told my partner a week ago almost to the minute that I wanted to go home to Australia for a break. There ensued various conversations, flight bookings, long haul flights and driving almost 17 hours to get to my sister's hometown.

I have been keeping a journal of my travels and thought process and I will more than likely publish the entries here. I am now sitting in a place called Townsville, in Queensland Australia. One week ago I was in London having yet another circular conversation with my partner. Now I am liaising via emails with him - he wants to talk, I'm still not really ready. Although I didn't know that I wasn't ready until he asked to talk.

This whole relationship is very confusing to me right now. My girlfriend that I visited on the way to see my sister shed a lot of light on the whole thing - which was brilliant. She too was stuck in a difficult relatioship and encouraged me to be strong when making my decision. Not to think about the what ifs, but instead the what if I don'ts! I might call back in to see her on the way back south to the Sunshine Coast because I'm not sure if my thought process is going to be clarified as much as I thought by my sister. However on thinking about it, perhaps it's my decision to make, and although everyone has been amazingly supportive to date, I know deep down that this is my decision to make.

Friday 3 June 2011

Diagnostic Question # 6

Question
Would you say that to you, your partner is basically nice, reasonable intelligent, not too neurotic, okay to look at, and most of the time smells alright?

My answer
Yes. No arguments, justifications or considerations for anything here.

Quick take
Apparently you can't just love someone with these attributes (evidenced by my early dating history).

My prognosis 
Although sometimes I may be the one who is too neurotic for my partner (and probably many, much weaker men), he still appears to love me too.

Diagnositc Question # 5

Question
In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest that you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives both of you a feeling of closeness for awhile?

My answer
I'm confused here. How can two people have been together for as long as we have and I'm not able to immediately point out a pleasurable thing that we do together. For this one I'm not sure if I have an answer. This needs to be something that we both "anticipate with pleasure" and "not only feels good but makes you feel close" and apparently it could be sex, but only if the "glow of closeness"is real and last for a significant period after sex.

Well that's certainly an answer I know the question to... sex isn't it. I don't know if I'll ever feel truly comfortable disclosing the details of my sex life with my partner on here, but it wasn't something that I specifically looked forward to.

Other examples that the author gave were:
  • Cuddling in bed together. For me these days, I'm having trouble with being attracted to my partner, let alone wanting contact with him. We do cuddle most nights before we go to sleep, but it isn't something again that I look forward to, and I sometimes have to force myself to do it, which then leads to me being resentful of having to do it.
  • Having friends over for dinner. This has always been something that I have looked forward to more than he has. I like cooking and fussing over people. He tries to help, but I'm too much of a control freak and I like things done my way, so we normally end up getting tetchy with each other.
  • Going away together. We travel quite extensively, however I feel like I'm always the one pushing to lock dates in, doing the majority of the organisation, researching places so that I know where we should go. I have become resentful of this too. I find that my partner's organisation skills in this respect just try on my patience. So even when he does organise something, I get nervous that he doesn't know the details.
  • Playing sport. We used to play a social game of netball and squash most weeks. However my partner suffered an injury, so couldn't play very much. Or when he did, he would complain of the pain. That was back home in Australia. Since we've been in London, we haven't done much together in the way of sports.
  • Sitting around on Sunday mornings. Well, that's another bone of contention. I like to eat as soon as I wake up - I may not always be hungry, but I like to get some energy before the day starts. My partner doesn't like to eat until he's hungry. And then he doesn't really like to spend money on breakfast when we go out.
  • Kissing each other. I was always a massive fan of a good old fashioned passionate kiss... but until recently my partner showed no interest. And I vaguely remember him telling me that he wasn't so into it. So I stopped trying. Bad form I know, but I find that I can only be rejected so many times before I get so bogged down with the feelings of rejection that I don't make the effort to get rejected any more.
Things that we do together:
  • Go to music gigs. This is a passion of my partners and I do like seeing bands that I know. However this is all very one sided, he wouldn't like it so much if it was my type of music. In fairness I haven't genuinely tried to get him to a Pink or Kylie concert, however I feel resentful regardless.
  • Go to the movies. We mostly see movies that we both want to see together. And then I'll go by myself if it's a RomCom, or something that I really want to see. This is an as and when situation, and usually last minute.
Having said all of this though, we have recently instigated a date night whereby one of us has to plan and pay for a date for the other. And although the first date night went very well (my partner planned it), I still wasn't feeling any true joy from just being with him.

Quick take
If there is even one thing that you enjoy doing together, then you've got a chance to make it work.

My prognosis
Basically, even though my answer is essentially "I don't know", the author says that there is still a chance of a positive outcome.

Aim for the future
The author suggests that we work together to find something that we both look forward to doing together that feels good and makes us feel closer.

Diagnostic Question # 4

Question
If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and have a strong sense that finally you could end your relationship?

My answer
I know that the decision that I have to make here is going to have to 100% suit my goals, be in the interest of my happiness and be about what I truly believe. I don't need God or anyone else to give me permission to make the decision one way or another. However, having said that, I do hope that through this blog I will be able to garner some much required and appreciated feedback on this situation.

Quick take
If you feel like you need a higher power to authorise the decision, when you already know what the decision is, then you should do what you think.

My prognosis
I still have a long way to go on this journey, but I don't need anyone's permission to make my decision, I am truly hoping that a decision will be a natural result from documenting my thoughts and feelings within this blog.


Diagnostic Question # 3

Question
Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner?

My answer
This answer is a little harder to write. The author in this case provides some good what is and isn't considered to be leaving which really helped me sort through what action (or inaction as is the case with me). If you are looking at rentals, but don't actually rent one for example, then this isn't considered concrete.

Quick take
If you look like you're leaving your relationship and act like you're leaving it, you're leaving it. You know best.

My prognosis
In this case I would say that although I have an active imagination and can look at various aspects of leaving, I haven't made any concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that excludes my partner. So I would say that at the moment, it doesn't appear as though my concious or sub-concious things I should be leaving this relationship.  

Diagnostic Question # 2


Question 
Has there been more that one incident of physical violence in your relationship?

My answer 
Apart from play fighting or genuine accidents, I have never been harmed by my partner and have no fear of being so in the future.

Quick take
Physical abuse means love is dead.

My prognosis
I know that this isn't a consideration for leaving at all, so would be happier if I stayed in the case of this question.

 

Diagnostic Question # 1


Question 
Thinking about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then?

My answer 
I can unequivocally say that my partner and I have had many, very good times together. We have laughed a lot over the years and have genuinely enjoyed each others company.

Quick take
If it never was very good, it'll never be very good.

My prognosis
We have had good times together and it has been much better than it is now, so on this one it appears as though I'd be happier if I stayed as far as this question is concerned. 

Thursday 2 June 2011

What is it that I want again?

Before I begin on the questions, I first had to do some serious introspection as to what it was that I actually wanted from my life and from my relationship.

This post may be a work in progress as I'm not 100% sure that what I want is entirely definable in words.

What I want (Generally)
  1. To be the number one person in my life.
  2. To feel sensual, attractive and confident.
  3. To be able to travel every year to a new place and enjoy finding out about new cultures.  
  4. To get and stay fit and healthy.
  5. To read more books. 
  6. To learn another language. 
  7. To take up a hobby that will teach me a valuable life skill (i.e. dress making).
What I want (Long-term plan)
Ideally within the next five to ten years I would like to achieve the following:
  1. Move home to Australia.
  2. Either continue my business or get a job in events management.  
  3. Spend time with my grandma. 
  4. Start a family of my own.
  5. Buy a house.
  6. Complete some study, perhaps get a degree.
  7. Finish one of my story ideas into a novel and either be published or self-publish.
So, now I have some goals that I would like to work towards and that I know I want. And if I can't be honest with myself, then surely an anonymous setting should do it for me.

The questions

The following is an excerpt from “Too Good to leave, Too Bad to stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum. These are the questions that I will be working through within this blog.

1. Thinking about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then?

2. Has there been more that one incident of physical violence in your relationship?

3. Have you already made a concrete commitment to pursue a course of action or lifestyle that definitely excludes your partner?

4. If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and have a strong sense that finally you could end your relationship?

5. In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) that you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives both of you a feeling of closeness for awhile?

6. Would you say that to you, your partner is basically nice, reasonable intelligent, not too neurotic, okay to look at, and most of the time smells alright?

7. Does you partner bombard you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want; and is it your experience that almost any need you have gets obliterated; and if you ever do get what you want, is getting it such and ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth the effort?

8. Do you have a basic, recurring, never-completely-going-away feeling of humiliation or invisibility in your relationship?

9. Does it seem to you that your partner generally and consistently blocks your attempts to bring up topics or raise questions, particularly about things you care about?

10. Have you got to the point, when your partner says something, that you usually feel it’s more likely that he’s lying than that he’s telling the truth?

11. In spite of admirable qualities, and stepping back from any temporary anger or disappointment, do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to like you?

12. Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you’re giving already, and are you willing to do this the way things are between you now, without any expectation of being paid back?

13. Do both you and your partner want to touch each other and look forward to touching each other and make efforts to touch each other?

14. Do you feel a unique sexual attraction to your partner?

15. Does your partner neither see nor admit things you’ve tried to tell him/her to acknowledge that make your relationship too bad to stay in?

16. Is there something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in and that s/he acknowledges but that, for all intents and purposes, s/he’s unwilling to do anything about?

17. This problem your partner has that makes you want to leave; have you tried to let it go, ignore it, stop letting it bother you? And were you successful?

18. As you think about your partner’s problem that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, does s/he acknowledge it and is s/he willing to do something about it and is s/he able to change?

19. Has your partner violated what for you is a bottom line?

20. Is there a clearly formulated, passionately held difference between you that has to do with the shape and texture and quality of your life as you actually experience it?

21. In spite of all the ways you’re different, would you say that deep down or in some respect that’s important to you, your partner is someone just like you in a way you feel good about?
    22. With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem impossible, difficult or unpleasant? 

    23. With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem easier, more attractive and make staying no longer desirable?

    24. Does your partner do such a good job of conveying the idea that you’re a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you that you’ve started to really become demonstrably convinced of it yourself?

    25. As you think about your partner’s disrespect, is it clear to you that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for times where you absolutely must interact?

    26. Do you feel that your partner, overall and more often than not, shows concrete support for and genuine interest in the things you’re trying to do that are important to you?

    27. Would you lose anything important in your life if your partner were no longer your partner? Is what you'd lose something that makes you feel good about your partner for being able to provide it?

    28. Whatever was done that caused hurt and betrayal, do you have a sense that the pain and damage has lessened with time?

    29. Is there a demonstrated capacity and mechanism for genuine forgiveness in your relationship?
    30. Is it likely that, if you have a reasonable need, you and your partner will be able to work out a way for you to get it met without too painful a struggle?

    31. Is there some particular need that’s so important to you that if you don’t get it met, looking back you’ll say your life wasn’t satisfying, and are you starting to get discouraged about ever having it met?

    32. Given the way your partner acts, does it feel as though in getting close to you what he’s most interested in is subjecting you to his anger and criticism?

    33. When the subject of intimacy comes up between you and your partner, is there generally a battle over what intimacy is and how to get it?

    34. Does your relationship support your having fun together?

    35. Do you currently share goals and dreams for your life together?

    36. If all the problems in your relationship were magically solved today, would you still feel ambivalent about whether to stay or leave?