Long time no write and boy what a journey I have been on. I haven't reflected on what I've previously written this time, but here I am at 2:20am on a Saturday night, sober as a judge writing yet another entry into this blog.
Oh, the lessons I've learnt over time. About July of this year my life (finally) started taking positive turns. I was done with learning lessons and was ready to get serious about life. Within two months I had a new job, new car, new home, new man (and new pots and pans and knives.... but that's another story).
The reader's digest of what I've been up to since I last wrote... In April last year, I fell in love with a married man, had an affair and subsequently his marriage broke up and we were in a relationship for about 9 months. He ended up leaving me to go back to his wife, which wasn't such a bad thing for me as it only took me a month or two to reflect, forgive myself and move on (with the help of a very dear friend from the past who took me into her home and was the best friend I could ask for). He was an old school friend - there was a familiarity there with him and although I swore never to be with anyone who was divorced or who had kids (I wanted to be the first everything), we made a go of it for a short time. What I learnt was that I definitely wanted kids - I just wanted some of my own and with someone who hadn't had four kids to two women and to someone who wasn't already (currently) married. Say what you will, nothing can hurt me more than the words of my sister asking what I would have done to someone doing what I had to her and my niece. It took a while, and it was tough, but I did forgive myself for doing what I did.
Almost a year to the day after I started seeing the married guy, I started dating a guy call Ryan who on paper was everything that I was wanting in a partner. That ended after two months of very rocky dating when he decided that he couldn't see a future. I personally hadn't invested either way, so needless to say the next night had a one night stand and moved quickly on.
Finally and presently. In June I started talking to a lovely guy, whom I'm currently in a relationship with. I'm experiencing my third semi-serious relationship since I left my relationship in London (not counting flings and rebound affairs). If there's something that I've learnt - it is that every relationship needs the freshest start you can give it. The cleaner the slate, the easier it is to accept someone for who they are and love them anyway.
The one thing that I will say with reference to this entire blog is this: I am so glad that I left. The man that I left said to me at one stage that I would regret leaving him, that I would see that the grass isn't always greener and that I would see what a great guy he was. Well I'll tell you this - I have not once regretted my decision and despite learning a lot more lessons and making some mistakes, I am truly thankful for the strength that I have developed over time. The knowledge that I am my best self, that no one can break me, that I have to be true to myself first and foremost and that ultimately I can be happy in a relationship. I have been taught the power of unconditional love, the power of taking risks and experimenting and the power of generosity. Things that I didn't have within the relationship that I left. Things that I appreciate every day and things that I am learning to be better at myself.
I love the random comments that I receive on here every now and then and thank you for taking the time to read what I've written. The whole process of writing what I went through helped me discover myself and I hope that it's helped anyone else that has read it.
I remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday, googling the things I did, discovering the book and desperately finding it to download and read ASAP. The revelations that followed were absolutely life changing and I haven't looked back, except to forgive myself and others who wronged me over time. You can't carry hatred in your heart for too long or it will turn you into a toxic, hateful person. It took me a long time to forgive myself and others and now I look back with fondness at the good times, forgetting most of the bad times but knowing enough that they happened so that I don't ever wonder "what if...".
If you have read this blog and become a follower and have your own journey, I'd love to hear it.
Oh, the lessons I've learnt over time. About July of this year my life (finally) started taking positive turns. I was done with learning lessons and was ready to get serious about life. Within two months I had a new job, new car, new home, new man (and new pots and pans and knives.... but that's another story).
The reader's digest of what I've been up to since I last wrote... In April last year, I fell in love with a married man, had an affair and subsequently his marriage broke up and we were in a relationship for about 9 months. He ended up leaving me to go back to his wife, which wasn't such a bad thing for me as it only took me a month or two to reflect, forgive myself and move on (with the help of a very dear friend from the past who took me into her home and was the best friend I could ask for). He was an old school friend - there was a familiarity there with him and although I swore never to be with anyone who was divorced or who had kids (I wanted to be the first everything), we made a go of it for a short time. What I learnt was that I definitely wanted kids - I just wanted some of my own and with someone who hadn't had four kids to two women and to someone who wasn't already (currently) married. Say what you will, nothing can hurt me more than the words of my sister asking what I would have done to someone doing what I had to her and my niece. It took a while, and it was tough, but I did forgive myself for doing what I did.
Almost a year to the day after I started seeing the married guy, I started dating a guy call Ryan who on paper was everything that I was wanting in a partner. That ended after two months of very rocky dating when he decided that he couldn't see a future. I personally hadn't invested either way, so needless to say the next night had a one night stand and moved quickly on.
Finally and presently. In June I started talking to a lovely guy, whom I'm currently in a relationship with. I'm experiencing my third semi-serious relationship since I left my relationship in London (not counting flings and rebound affairs). If there's something that I've learnt - it is that every relationship needs the freshest start you can give it. The cleaner the slate, the easier it is to accept someone for who they are and love them anyway.
The one thing that I will say with reference to this entire blog is this: I am so glad that I left. The man that I left said to me at one stage that I would regret leaving him, that I would see that the grass isn't always greener and that I would see what a great guy he was. Well I'll tell you this - I have not once regretted my decision and despite learning a lot more lessons and making some mistakes, I am truly thankful for the strength that I have developed over time. The knowledge that I am my best self, that no one can break me, that I have to be true to myself first and foremost and that ultimately I can be happy in a relationship. I have been taught the power of unconditional love, the power of taking risks and experimenting and the power of generosity. Things that I didn't have within the relationship that I left. Things that I appreciate every day and things that I am learning to be better at myself.
I love the random comments that I receive on here every now and then and thank you for taking the time to read what I've written. The whole process of writing what I went through helped me discover myself and I hope that it's helped anyone else that has read it.
I remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday, googling the things I did, discovering the book and desperately finding it to download and read ASAP. The revelations that followed were absolutely life changing and I haven't looked back, except to forgive myself and others who wronged me over time. You can't carry hatred in your heart for too long or it will turn you into a toxic, hateful person. It took me a long time to forgive myself and others and now I look back with fondness at the good times, forgetting most of the bad times but knowing enough that they happened so that I don't ever wonder "what if...".
If you have read this blog and become a follower and have your own journey, I'd love to hear it.
9 comments:
Thank you for taking the time to write about your journey, and your experiences. It wsa the first site I have actually found helpful on my journey that i feel I am now beginning. I have been in a state of limbo for a long time, our relationship of 9 years - at least half of that. I broke his trust and cheated, but he calls me words i wont even repeat here - years later still. We have had good times, but also enough bad times to have left before. Finding myself in the same position every year, back at the same place, wondering the same things. I only hope that I can have the courage to do what is best for me, and make the right descision.
Thank you for this.
I just downloaded and read the book myself. I believe your blog helped me understand this better than even the book did.
Thank you for putting your experiences out into the world. I've been in a relationship for a year and a half and have been dealing with this ambivalence off and on for several months. He's a wonderful person, but yet I cannot shake this thought of "I thought this would be better."
You've given me so much to think about. I hope that in time I can respond that I've developed the same inner strength that you write about here. Thanks again for your courage to share your story.
WOW! I'm in awe of what you did both having the tenacity to work through and then courage to leave your relationship..
I am currently going through many thoughts about my own relationship after meeting someone that i now have a crush on. I have identified that this is the trigger and it has surfaced many issues that I am unhappy about with my relationship of just over 20 years. Unfortunaely there are children involved which brings a whole new level of complication and am struggling with this serverely.
like you I want to go to counciling but in the back of my mind wonder if its worth it (if only for piece of mind. whatever that is!).
Many people i've spoken to have said either the decision should be about the children and others that it should be about me and that if the parents are happy the children will settle into the change. I'm still not sure and the book doesn't give any guidance to this situation. I just hope i can work through this as well as you have and make the right decision.
Why do you think other people are triggers in these situations? Like it's not too bad to stay until you meet someone perhaps that is "motivation" to leave. I feel like this happened to me too.
Sorry- I didn't get to finish my thought. I was saying I am in a similar situation- with someone I don't think full appreciates me but we have a kid together when I met someone else and all of a sudden I was thinking Well why am I staying and settling why don't I try for the stars?? So I have been struggling with this decision. I have the opportunity to move back to my parents house and I keep questioning myself, rationalizing why I shouldn't leave but at the same time I am equally unhappy and want things to be different. I don't feel I will ever be able to get ahead I feel like my partner is so sooo needy I want to go back to school etc and advance myself. I just don't know if there is a future with him. We have a daughter together she is seven we have been together eight years. I keep flip flopping that is how I found this blog trying to see if I could find the online quiz. It's like I a make a decision to leave and then he calls and he is very nice on the phone and I'm covered in guilt.
As someone who knows you personally, and saw you daily during what I now know to have been a difficult time I must apologise for not having been more supportive back then.
Your journey has been inspirational and being able to articulate it is something I think we all should do at one time or another.
Seeing where you are now and how healthy and happy you are really fills me with joy.
Everything you are now is due in part to your journey but more to your hard work in self discovery and the discovery of what you want to achieve. More than career progression, you have become skilled at life progression which is truly admirable.
xx
Hi, I would love to hear about how you are doing these days. It's already in the midst of 2015! Cheers, from Switzerland
Yes please! Another update!
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