Well, it has indeed been a significant journey over the past 1500 days and as I came in to write a little update, I decided that I might work out how many days between the break up (4 July 2011) and today (12 August 2015) only to discover that it's been 1500 days.Whilst I have no idea what I've done for most of those 1500 days, I can tell you that I have been for the most part happy (a life ambition of mine), always moving forwards in a positive direction and always choosing to have a positive outlook on life.
In the last week I took the opportunity to re-read back through this blog and can I tell you something? I have learnt so much more about myself since I finished writing this. I was simply marvelling at the place that I came from and where I am now.
So, an update. The last time I wrote I was seeing someone that I was pretty in to, well that ended because I quickly realised that he wasn't for me.Upon wrapping up that particular relationship, I made a concious decision to just be alone for a while and focus on my new job and try to make the best go of that I could. Well the world had another path ready for me entirely.
It's probably easier to tell you where I am right now rather than how I got here (because there are days when I don't quite believe how I got here myself). I am a mum, of twin girls. They are beautiful and the love I have for them is unlike anything that I've ever felt before in my life. Becoming a mother I have discovered that this is what I was always destined to do (a bit new agey I know, but stick with me). The girls are the result of a one night stand with a man that I barely knew (still don't) and to him I will be eternally grateful for the part he played in giving me the most precious gifts in the world. The last 18 months through my pregnancy and the first 10 months of my girl's lives, I have grown as a person, more than I ever thought possible. I have found true happiness in my world and I wouldn't change a single second of the life that has brought me to this moment in time.
I'm not going to pretend that life is easy, it's not. I'm not going to pretend that I haven't had my share of heartbreak, dissapointment and tears to get to this point - because I definitely have. I'm not even going to pretend that I know what's next - because no one possibly could (and if you've read this whole blog, you'll know that at times I didn't even know when I was hypothesising about what the future may hold). But what I will tell you is that I have no regrets. I reflect often on the decisions made and I can safely say that I will always stick by my decision to leave the relationship that I blogged about and not for one moment have I ever changed my mind on this point or thought about the "what it's".
I actually saw the man that I blogged about last March at a mutual friend's wedding and it was nice (for me anyway) to catch up with him and have a chat. It was a moment of realisation for me at the time as I was 10 weeks pregnant and it wasn't officially announced. As I spoke to him about whether we were single/taken (both single) and happy in our lives, it became more apparent to me than ever that I had continued to grow and move on at a rate much faster than he.
I still (very occasionally) speak to the man that this blog was written about. My personal opinion is that he is someone that defines "happiness" very clearly in his mind and when he achieves what he has defined as the ultimate act/goal/outcome of happiness, he realises that it wasn't actually something that was going to make him happy. It is my opinion that he will never stop doing this to himself and those around him. I can't imagine how exhausted he is always chasing the unachievable.
I still get such great joy from reading comments from people who have read my blog telling me about how it's helped them. For me, this was one of the main aims. The other aim was to be accountable to myself as I went through the journey of ending a long term relationship that I'd been emotionally jailed into for many years beyond what should have been acceptable.
As for what the future holds for me? I'm currently studying education with the aim to become a primary school teacher in time for my girls to go to school (we can all start school together). I am enjoying being a stay at home mum with my girls and watching them grow and develop everyday. Their cuddles, kisses and giggles are simply the best. My openness to romantic options for the future is very much there, maybe you'll have an update 2000 days later with the gossip. ;)
Who am I? I am the luckiest woman on earth. I am confident, happy and so full of optimism for what the future holds that some days I could burst. I am someone who acknowledges the journey that brought me to this place in time and someone who takes the tentative steps into the future, excited for what's ahead and the adventures that I'll be taking.
I always end these little updates wondering if I'll blog here again. I hope so, life is really just beginning isn't it? :D
In the last week I took the opportunity to re-read back through this blog and can I tell you something? I have learnt so much more about myself since I finished writing this. I was simply marvelling at the place that I came from and where I am now.
So, an update. The last time I wrote I was seeing someone that I was pretty in to, well that ended because I quickly realised that he wasn't for me.Upon wrapping up that particular relationship, I made a concious decision to just be alone for a while and focus on my new job and try to make the best go of that I could. Well the world had another path ready for me entirely.
It's probably easier to tell you where I am right now rather than how I got here (because there are days when I don't quite believe how I got here myself). I am a mum, of twin girls. They are beautiful and the love I have for them is unlike anything that I've ever felt before in my life. Becoming a mother I have discovered that this is what I was always destined to do (a bit new agey I know, but stick with me). The girls are the result of a one night stand with a man that I barely knew (still don't) and to him I will be eternally grateful for the part he played in giving me the most precious gifts in the world. The last 18 months through my pregnancy and the first 10 months of my girl's lives, I have grown as a person, more than I ever thought possible. I have found true happiness in my world and I wouldn't change a single second of the life that has brought me to this moment in time.
I'm not going to pretend that life is easy, it's not. I'm not going to pretend that I haven't had my share of heartbreak, dissapointment and tears to get to this point - because I definitely have. I'm not even going to pretend that I know what's next - because no one possibly could (and if you've read this whole blog, you'll know that at times I didn't even know when I was hypothesising about what the future may hold). But what I will tell you is that I have no regrets. I reflect often on the decisions made and I can safely say that I will always stick by my decision to leave the relationship that I blogged about and not for one moment have I ever changed my mind on this point or thought about the "what it's".
I actually saw the man that I blogged about last March at a mutual friend's wedding and it was nice (for me anyway) to catch up with him and have a chat. It was a moment of realisation for me at the time as I was 10 weeks pregnant and it wasn't officially announced. As I spoke to him about whether we were single/taken (both single) and happy in our lives, it became more apparent to me than ever that I had continued to grow and move on at a rate much faster than he.
I still (very occasionally) speak to the man that this blog was written about. My personal opinion is that he is someone that defines "happiness" very clearly in his mind and when he achieves what he has defined as the ultimate act/goal/outcome of happiness, he realises that it wasn't actually something that was going to make him happy. It is my opinion that he will never stop doing this to himself and those around him. I can't imagine how exhausted he is always chasing the unachievable.
I still get such great joy from reading comments from people who have read my blog telling me about how it's helped them. For me, this was one of the main aims. The other aim was to be accountable to myself as I went through the journey of ending a long term relationship that I'd been emotionally jailed into for many years beyond what should have been acceptable.
As for what the future holds for me? I'm currently studying education with the aim to become a primary school teacher in time for my girls to go to school (we can all start school together). I am enjoying being a stay at home mum with my girls and watching them grow and develop everyday. Their cuddles, kisses and giggles are simply the best. My openness to romantic options for the future is very much there, maybe you'll have an update 2000 days later with the gossip. ;)
Who am I? I am the luckiest woman on earth. I am confident, happy and so full of optimism for what the future holds that some days I could burst. I am someone who acknowledges the journey that brought me to this place in time and someone who takes the tentative steps into the future, excited for what's ahead and the adventures that I'll be taking.
I always end these little updates wondering if I'll blog here again. I hope so, life is really just beginning isn't it? :D
7 comments:
Every day is a new day, and life isn't ever a new beginning then you're not moving anywhere.
Nice update. I hope you'll continue to post here, it's always so incredible to reflect on things, and while I've very much neglected on my blog in the last few months I know it's my baby, sitting there reading to hear my thoughts and help me to dissect what's going on.
xx
Wow! Thank you for having the foresight to document your thought process, feelings, and journey through your very difficult decision and continuing to update on your life now. Your self discovery and empowerment is helping me and I'm sure has helped countless others!
In the midst of making my own decision and on my own journey now and finding this blog is serendipity. Many of your posts are so spot on its as if I've dictated my thoughts and feelings to you.
I've been married nearly 10 years and on some level felt unhappy, unfulfilled, and doubtful of my relationship for over half of that time. I do have children, from a previous marriage who are basically grown now. My spouse was never able to commit to a decision of having children of his own with me so we do not have any shared children. Much like your ex-partner mine has the inability to commit to big, life changing decisions and unfortunately he dragged his feet until I was no longer interested in starting that chapter of my life over again. I too believe that my spouse is a power person and its always been much easier to give in to whatever makes him happy rather than to stand my ground on what I wanted. That's my burden of blame as well for not being more assertive and really going for what I want but once you have built a foundation on giving in and self sacrifice its very hard to change paths once you find yourself and have made the realization. Its been so hard to find any common ground to build a foundation for really living life together that way that we just eventually started living our lives separately until we're now just two not so good friends living together. He spends his time with his group of friends pursuing his own interests and activities and I have done the same.
I too have developed a crush on someone which has been the catalyst for me to go through a deep and serious evaluation of my life, my needs, and my relationship. Its not so much that I want to make a change for that future but more of an awakening. I've had what I guess could be termed as an affair in the sense that I am emotionally engaged with and attracted to this person but have, and will only ever have, a connection to via long distance over the internet. I am hesitant to ever even mention it to close confidants though because its so easy to judge, and come to the judgmental conclusion that "oh you're marriage is failing because of your infidelity" when in reality the marriage is already failed at that point. I've even been urged to confess this to my husband when in reality I feel that if I was looking for forgiveness from him and wanted to end it and move forward it would be beneficial. We could discuss the issue, what led to it, and what can be done to change and prevent it from happening again but the truth is there isn't a fix for that because that "crush" isn't the problem. Its just a symptom of many other larger problems that I no longer believe we have the capacity to fix.
Continued...
The truth is I've known for some time that we just are not compatible personalities. We don't have the same interests, dreams, goals, or passions in life. I've just entered into a new decade in my life, about to become a "very young" empty-nester and feel its finally time I don't have to self sacrifice myself for my kids and don't want to sacrifice my own wants and needs for anyone else anymore and that includes the ones I've always felt I needed to make in order to please his power personality. After a certain point in a relationship I believe you should still have genuine affection and companionship in your relationship if you don't necessarily have the same sexual attraction and sex drive you once had. If you no longer have the daily distractions of children in your life and have no friendship or companionship and also are completely indifferent to their touch or presence then what is left for you in life? That's where I'm at. Meeting someone else, crush, affair, whatever it is, at this point isn't the problem. Its just the thing that makes you open your eyes and realize what you're missing by living in denial.
I've finally admitted to myself (if not to anyone else) that maybe he resembled the qualities I wanted and needed at a time when I was more concerned with providing a family and future for my children then in what I really needed in a relationship and I'm not so sure that I did my children any favors. In a positive light I like to believe that I provided my spouse with a family when he likely never would have had one of his own, and I have provided my children with the most amazing extended family they could have ever hoped for even if they never really grew a strong bond with their step dad. On a darker note, I've likely taught my children what a dysfunctional marriage looks like.
Continued...
I've agreed to "give it a try" and to go to couples therapy but in my heart I know its just prolonging the inevitable and after reading this blog today all my remaining doubts are gone. I only continue to make any show of effort because I have genuine love, in a caring and protective way, for my spouse and don't want to hurt him further and I fear the sadness of ending such a long chapter of my life, the guilt that will come with my decision, and the shocked comments and judgement I'll get from others on what they'll surely only see as a "selfish" decision. What I'll lose: a very secure financial situation, some connections & friends I wasn't all that close to, and likely (but hopefully not!) my relationship with my spouse's family.
For so many there is a hard line in the sand that make the stay or leave decision so much easier. I'm actually envious of those people. If I had reason to be truly outraged and hurt over any one defined and specific thing it would drive my decision and provide the justification that I feel I need to "stick up for myself". The reality for me is that its all so grey and vague and the issues are the same old issues and "circular discussions" that leaves me mentally and emotionally exhausted and scarred and I'm futilely trying to find a way to execute my decision while also finding forgiveness and that acceptance or "approval" I feel I need from others in order to provide that definitive line in the sand that its okay to move forward.
I didn't mean to take over this blog with a life's story length comment but do thank you for the opportunity to share as the writing of this has been cathartic. Many blessings for your future whatever it may hold for you and your daughters and for those other readers who, like myself, have found this serendipitous blog. xx
Thank you for writing your blog. I read it today and it helped me to start processing my own thoughts about my relationship. Sometimes, it's hard to imagine a future different from the present. Your updates are amazing because it shows that life does unfold in beautiful ways.
Great blog, thank you for doing this. I've been with my current partner for just over a year now, more bad than good. There's been no physical abuse or obvious signs that I need to leave, it's just been a slow, nagging voice in the back of my head since about two months into the relationship that we are completely different people with completely different goals, aspirations, temperaments, lives in general. We've already broken up a couple of times but gotten back together, and a month ago he proposed to me and when put on the spot I said yes against my best judgement, from day one coaching myself that I could always walk away if I had to and maybe we can make it work this time. I've spent the entire morning reading your blog, as I've been reading several other blogs over the last few days trying to find something to tell me it's okay for me to break off the engagement and leave one last time and be happy. I think I finally have the "permission" I thought I needed.
I've been reading the book, I'm on question 21. This morning I googled the book title looking for a list of the questions so I could print them & I came across your blog.
Now, several hours later I'd like to share with you how your blog helped me. It was helpful to see how you wrote each answer out, so I re-created your blog in my journal with my own answers & I FINALLY have clarity...I had been answering the questions in my mind as I've slowly read up to question 20 over a two week period. I was very frustrated because though I had clear answers I still felt I had no clarity...writing it out was the key for me...so thank you for modeling a way to work with this book.
I LOVE THIS BOOK. I'd recommend it to anyone, even if not considering breaking up, it gives great insight into relationships in general.
So thanks dear lady for modeling what I most needed in this moment!
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