Question
Does you partner bombard you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want; and is it your experience that almost any need you have gets obliterated; and if you ever do get what you want, is getting it such and ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth the effort?
My answer
I'm going to preface this answer with the statement that I have given in on so many occasions here. It is easier to keep my partner happy than to get my way. Is this my perception? Perhaps. But still, should he be happy with my bowing down to his every whim?
The key to this question is the "Power People" aspects. Now, I think, from reading what the author says about power people that my partner is one. I also think that he developed this power through his relationship with his mother, who is incessantly, intensely emotional or perhaps it was that by her being emotionally controlling, that she showed him (even subconsciously), what he had to do to "win" in situations.
The most recent example of this is when I said that I wanted to go home to Australia to get my head sorted out with this relationship. My partner told me that he felt like I was deserting the relationship and leaving at a crucial time. I simply needed to think, and tried to explain this to him. I also reassured him that we were still in a relationship, I was just going on a holiday without him. I told him that we weren't on a break, we weren't trialling a separation, it wasn't anything like that. I simply needed room to breathe and sort out my head. And although this isn't a "little" thing, it was very hard for me to put myself first when he seemed so passionate about me staying. But in the end, I had to be the most passionate and almost demand that he "let" me go. And although I knew that ultimately he didn't have the power to stop me from going, it certainly felt like he might.
I'm not sure if this next example fits into this area, however recently we were invited spontaneously to go to the opera with some friends. We went along to the Royal Opera House and asked about tickets, then ordered the £180 each tickets. It wasn't until we were on the tube home that my partner (who I should mention earns a lot more than me and saves a lot of it too) mentioned that he wasn't entirely happy about the price of tickets, and that he was a little bit stressed because he hadn't been paid yet. This led to me then trying to please him and eventually lead to me offering to pay for the tickets entirely. Although realistically I was prepared to pay for my own ticket, the fact that I ended up paying for both was almost a surprise to me. Add to this that when we exited the opera house later than night after the show, I was on cloud 9 and when I asked how he like it, he said "it wasn't really my thing". I think in this situation the least he could have done was said thank you.
There are a lot of examples of him ultimately getting his way or making me feel guilty about getting "my way".
Quick take
The author says that if almost any need that I have somehow gets obliterated or that when I do get something I want that it feels like such an ordeal that I don't think it was worth it that I would be happier in the long run if I left.
My prognosis
This is an important issue for me. I feel like that (hopefully subconsciously) my partner is riding roughshod over my self esteem, my sense of self worth and my own personal power. I think in this case he isn't able to make the changes required for me to be happy staying. This is an inbuilt power that he has been nurtured on from birth. The only thing that I can think of that would help in this case might be therapy - couples, individual, or otherwise.
Does you partner bombard you with difficulties when you try to get even the littlest thing you want; and is it your experience that almost any need you have gets obliterated; and if you ever do get what you want, is getting it such and ordeal that you don’t feel it was worth the effort?
My answer
I'm going to preface this answer with the statement that I have given in on so many occasions here. It is easier to keep my partner happy than to get my way. Is this my perception? Perhaps. But still, should he be happy with my bowing down to his every whim?
The key to this question is the "Power People" aspects. Now, I think, from reading what the author says about power people that my partner is one. I also think that he developed this power through his relationship with his mother, who is incessantly, intensely emotional or perhaps it was that by her being emotionally controlling, that she showed him (even subconsciously), what he had to do to "win" in situations.
The most recent example of this is when I said that I wanted to go home to Australia to get my head sorted out with this relationship. My partner told me that he felt like I was deserting the relationship and leaving at a crucial time. I simply needed to think, and tried to explain this to him. I also reassured him that we were still in a relationship, I was just going on a holiday without him. I told him that we weren't on a break, we weren't trialling a separation, it wasn't anything like that. I simply needed room to breathe and sort out my head. And although this isn't a "little" thing, it was very hard for me to put myself first when he seemed so passionate about me staying. But in the end, I had to be the most passionate and almost demand that he "let" me go. And although I knew that ultimately he didn't have the power to stop me from going, it certainly felt like he might.
I'm not sure if this next example fits into this area, however recently we were invited spontaneously to go to the opera with some friends. We went along to the Royal Opera House and asked about tickets, then ordered the £180 each tickets. It wasn't until we were on the tube home that my partner (who I should mention earns a lot more than me and saves a lot of it too) mentioned that he wasn't entirely happy about the price of tickets, and that he was a little bit stressed because he hadn't been paid yet. This led to me then trying to please him and eventually lead to me offering to pay for the tickets entirely. Although realistically I was prepared to pay for my own ticket, the fact that I ended up paying for both was almost a surprise to me. Add to this that when we exited the opera house later than night after the show, I was on cloud 9 and when I asked how he like it, he said "it wasn't really my thing". I think in this situation the least he could have done was said thank you.
There are a lot of examples of him ultimately getting his way or making me feel guilty about getting "my way".
Quick take
The author says that if almost any need that I have somehow gets obliterated or that when I do get something I want that it feels like such an ordeal that I don't think it was worth it that I would be happier in the long run if I left.
My prognosis
This is an important issue for me. I feel like that (hopefully subconsciously) my partner is riding roughshod over my self esteem, my sense of self worth and my own personal power. I think in this case he isn't able to make the changes required for me to be happy staying. This is an inbuilt power that he has been nurtured on from birth. The only thing that I can think of that would help in this case might be therapy - couples, individual, or otherwise.
No comments:
Post a Comment