But unfortunately some of the things that we've both done to each other over the years have been negative and have impacted on our relationship as such. Most recently I have been quite ambivalent towards the relationship, and this has only recently come to light for me. But now I want to work at it to make sure that the relationship that I'm in is the one that I am committed to and want to be in.
As we proceed through the blog and I will attempt to honestly answer the questions that Mira Kirshenbaum has posed in her book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, you will begin to develop an understanding for who I am and what my relationship is like. But to truly understand where it is that I've come from in the past couple of weeks, which was a surprise to me when it happened, I will give you the history as to how I came to find this book in the first place over the next few posts.
Saturday, two weeks ago
There we were, getting ready to go to our friend's wedding. I had been nervous about this wedding for a while because I'm never any good at weddings and usually end up drunk, emotional, experimenting with self-harming methods (although never to the point of blood or any serious physical damage) or a combination of all of the above. For this wedding, we had to fly to get there and on the other end we were getting a cab to take us the 20 minute drive to the wedding venue.
The groom had arranged for some of the guests to share cabs if their flights matched up on the other end. We had already arranged to share a cab with a friend of the groom when I received a random facebook message from another guest (let's call him Mr A) asking if I wanted to share a cab. Text messages were exchanged between all parties and it was decided that there was a seat spare, so he could have it. When we all met up at the boarding gate at the airport, we unexpectedly met up with some other people going to the wedding and all got chatting away, happily passing our time on the plane with friends old and new.
Upon arrival at the hotel, the four of us who'd travelled together had a drink whilst our rooms were turned around, then went on to have lunch and try out the spa facilities before getting ready and joining the groom for dinner, drinks and dancing. Our happy party of 12 continued into the night, dancing away.
And I guess that might be when I started to feel a slight tug towards Mr A. Perhaps it was because there weren't any songs that he wasn't happy to dance (and sometimes sing) along to - unlike my partner who always seemed to look down his nose at my music choices (most of which the band seemed to be playing), it may have been the fact that he was so carefree and although very similar to my partner in many ways (job, looks and interests), somehow more polished and mature.
It could have been the conversation we had about family, and how my sister is expecting a child, and that I was eager to be much closer to home (Australia) to be near her, especially when the baby was born. And when he told me about how he felt the same way about his nieces back home (in the US) it was a revelation to me that a guy could understand what I was feeling. Until recently my partner had been making out as if I was some hormonal crazy lady when I expressed the desire to go home because of an unexplained compulsion to be closer to my sister. And as a good friend pointed out to me later, perhaps it could have been the shared values that I was attracted to.
It could also have been the fact that I was feeling a little bit rejected by my partner who had forgotten to bring with him any contraception (we had recently changed methods and he was now responsible after six years of me doing it). This was meant to be a romantic getaway from everything and it was blown to smithereens in a matter of seconds when he said he'd forgotten and didn't appear to make any effort to get a hold of some. A chance to rekindle our sex life that hadn't been very active over the recent months (a fact he was willing to tell me about at every opportunity) was now extinct for all extents and purposes.
The exact reasons why I was crushing on this particular person are still unknown to me. But believe me when I say that there are many, many more reasons why he was entirely unsuitable (and maybe a handful as to why he was). All I know was that I didn't have the slightest tug of attraction to him from the minute we met to sometime around dinner. But then all of these complicated feelings gradually began to descend over the next 24 hours.
As we farewelled the groom off that night, each of the others left gradually, I didn't think any more of it.
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