Welcome

I have recently discovered that I am in what is commonly termed relationship ambivalence. This was a new terminology to me that I discovered quite by accident whilst doing some google self-diagnosis on my relationship of six and a half years.

Relationship ambivalence is essentially when you're spending a lot of time thinking about whether to stay or leave your relationship, rather than investing the time into the relationship itself. Over the years I have been ambivalent and had moved on from it quite quickly once I'd talked about my various doubts with my partner. This instance was different and made me want to take action, and hopefully you'll see why.

We had hit a rough patch from my point of view and I was determined to get one of two outcomes:

1. Stay, ready to put all of my energy into my relationship and work towards a common future together.
2. Leave, leave my best friend, my partner in crime of the past six years, leave the one person who has probably accepted me the most in this world for who I actually am.

As with any relationship as long as ours, there have been hiccups along the way, but this was the biggest one that we had encountered, and thanks to a brilliant book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum, I was able to identify the problem, that I was in a state of ambivalence, and complete a full critique of the relationship from my point of view.

The outcomes were in some cases a complete surprise to me, and at other times a challenge. But most of all the outcomes provided me with clarity, a closeness to myself that I hadn't felt in a long time and they started me seriously thinking about what it was that I truly wanted from my relationship and from my life.

The purpose of this blog is to share the revelations that I have discovered through reading this book. I hope to  honestly look at the relationship that I'm in with myself and my partner through this writing. I hope to be honest, to the point of offence or embarrassing myself or others if needs be. And more so, I hope to share the outcomes of the most important self-discovery that I have undertaken with the world at large via this blog. The purpose for the public audience is two sided, one so that others in the same position that I have been for the past few months will be able to see that all relationships aren't perfect and two, so that I can seek some honest feedback from others who choose to read this.

I wish I'd started recording my feelings in this manner about six months ago, but as with all good things that go bad, I didn't recognise the problem until a very interesting wedding that I attended a few weeks ago. I will detail as much as I can remember of the past few weeks throughout the following posts, and hopefully will be able to give you a fair and honest version of the goings on.

Who am I?
I am every woman who has ever doubted herself in a relationship. I am the woman who thinks about leaving and is scared of the ultimate outcome - loneliness, going back into the dating scene, having to actually concentrate on me again. But I am also the woman who needs to discover herself first and foremost, and what it is that she wants from life before I can recommit to this relationship that quite frankly, I have invested the better part of my twenties into.

About my blog
I have always found comfort and solace in writing about my feelings, whether it be through poetry or fiction. I am writing this anonymous but true version of events through this blog in order to hold myself publicly accountable for my actions. And also as a confidential source of exposing my innermost thoughts and feelings without fear of retribution. I used to write a lot. Misery was my muse, but since I met my partner I have been mostly happy, so the writing faded into the background.

During the tough times past I would write out my innermost thoughts, feelings, theories and poetry. However after one particularly honest account of how I was feeling, my partner, unbeknown to me at the time, read what I'd written and he held it against me for months. He had been hurt and I never wanted that to happen. I also felt betrayed and my confidence in anything that I'd written being safe was blown, so I stopped writing.

Only recently through this whole experience have I found that same comfort in being able to write out my feelings on paper. But as you will see throughout the blog, I would like to keep all aspects of my introspection anonymous to avoid implicating innocent parties.

Support
I have had a few very helpful and reliable friends help me through the last few weeks. Playing various roles from guidance councillor to punching bag. And of course my partner has been very patient with me whilst I have been traversing the minefield that is relationship ambivalence.

I will be sharing this blog address firstly with two very key people in this situation. It was in fact one of those friends who suggested that we write an anonymous blog together that inspired me to start here. And although she isn't a party to this particular blog, I know that she will see why as I continue on the path to discovering what it is that I want through my writing.