Throughout the week of confused post-wedding emotions, my partner and I had a few very good discussions about our relationship.
I did some real soul searching and came up with the following notes, which we discussed together, although not necessarily in this order:
Barriers
I felt as though I might have been putting unnecessary barriers up in our previous conversations. I was slightly adamant that I wanted to move to a certain area when we moved back to Australia. But when I had fantasies about Mr A, I fantasised that I would have been happy to have followed him anywhere. What did this mean if I was not willing to do it for my partner?
I had also been adamant that I wanted to continue with my company that I'd opened whilst living in the UK, which put up barriers to us living in various other locations in the world, however when I fantasised about Mr A, I fantasised that I would have happily gotten a job in the US to be with him.
Resentment about living choices
Both my partner and I had carried some resentments towards each other over various living choices - him for the current home that we live in that he thought it was too quiet and unsociable. Me for previous places that we've lived that seem to have impacted on our relationship and my general feelings of happiness.
Bitterness
With the resentment, a certain level of bitterness had built up, leading to a devil may care attitude from my point of view.
Toxic
I felt like we'd both been quite toxic towards each other in the past with the way that we treated each other.
Money
My partner had never wanted much in the way of commitment, and a joint bank account was his idea of hell. I'd like to think that I proved myself to be much more responsible with money than when we first met, and wanted to open a joint bank account for us to work towards common goals.
Marriage
As was pointed out to me at the wedding by a friend, I was compromising 100%. I know that my partner didn't want to marry me. But I wanted to marry him, not just get married for the sake of it. But the main problem was with the fact that I didn't know why he didn't want to marry me. Maybe it would've helped me to understand our relationship better if he had been able to really think about this. I even went as far as suggesting that he get some professional help about his feelings on this issue.
There doesn't seem to be a compromise here.
Why did I want to get married?
I did some real soul searching and came up with the following notes, which we discussed together, although not necessarily in this order:
Barriers
I felt as though I might have been putting unnecessary barriers up in our previous conversations. I was slightly adamant that I wanted to move to a certain area when we moved back to Australia. But when I had fantasies about Mr A, I fantasised that I would have been happy to have followed him anywhere. What did this mean if I was not willing to do it for my partner?
I had also been adamant that I wanted to continue with my company that I'd opened whilst living in the UK, which put up barriers to us living in various other locations in the world, however when I fantasised about Mr A, I fantasised that I would have happily gotten a job in the US to be with him.
Resentment about living choices
Both my partner and I had carried some resentments towards each other over various living choices - him for the current home that we live in that he thought it was too quiet and unsociable. Me for previous places that we've lived that seem to have impacted on our relationship and my general feelings of happiness.
Bitterness
With the resentment, a certain level of bitterness had built up, leading to a devil may care attitude from my point of view.
Toxic
I felt like we'd both been quite toxic towards each other in the past with the way that we treated each other.
Money
My partner had never wanted much in the way of commitment, and a joint bank account was his idea of hell. I'd like to think that I proved myself to be much more responsible with money than when we first met, and wanted to open a joint bank account for us to work towards common goals.
Marriage
As was pointed out to me at the wedding by a friend, I was compromising 100%. I know that my partner didn't want to marry me. But I wanted to marry him, not just get married for the sake of it. But the main problem was with the fact that I didn't know why he didn't want to marry me. Maybe it would've helped me to understand our relationship better if he had been able to really think about this. I even went as far as suggesting that he get some professional help about his feelings on this issue.
There doesn't seem to be a compromise here.
Why did I want to get married?
- Because I loved him, I couldn't imagine life without him and I wanted everyone to know that too!
- To formalise our relationship in the eyes of the law and our friends and family.
- To provide legal security to both of us if something was to happen. (Wills can do this too)
- I wanted to get married so that our (future and hypothetical) children would know that we were serious about each other.
Children
I feel like babies are always being put on the back burner.
Why do I want children now?
- I want my children to know the energetic, fit people we are now.
- I want to be able to enjoy my children, take then camping, take them travelling, show them new experiences.
- I just feel this need to procreate.
- I want to enjoy the feeling of being pregnant, the expectancy and the excitement.
- I want to meet the children that we could make together.
Naming the children
Whose name/s do we use? I want my surname to be a part of it if we aren't married. This is important to me, I don't want my children to have a different name to me. I grew up with that and it was uncomfortable as a child to explain to other kids why my name was different. And I know the world was different back then, but I want my children to have a little part of me too!
Whose name/s do we use? I want my surname to be a part of it if we aren't married. This is important to me, I don't want my children to have a different name to me. I grew up with that and it was uncomfortable as a child to explain to other kids why my name was different. And I know the world was different back then, but I want my children to have a little part of me too!
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