Question
Does it seem to you that your partner generally and consistently blocks your attempts to bring up topics or raise questions, particularly about things you care about?
My answer
My immediate answer to this question is no. However on reading the author's examples, in one of which she outlined a situation where whenever one person talks about something important to them and the other person sits there and says little, but there is an impenetrable stony quality to his "listening" that makes the other person feel like he's not allowing the information to get into his head. She said that this is what she termed as "off-the-table-itis". There are aspects of this in other examples that she gave, but this rang true for me. Many a time I have been pouring my heart out to him, asking questions and receiving absolute silence in return. I always thought that this was a fundamental difference in our communication methods. I am very emotionally driven, he is quite logical and methodical about everything.
Perhaps this is simply another way of controlling a situation though.
Recently quite a lot has come off the table due to this relationship ambivalence. I ask him about future plans, and all sorts of other things, but he says that he can't answer until everything else is sorted out. This has become a very frustrating situation for me because a lot of my decision making depends on his answers to topics around children, marriage, where to live in the future and other very important aspects to our relationship together. Of course I'm worried too that it won't get to that - however I still need to know what his position is so that I am able to take these things into consideration.
Quick take
You'll suffocate if the dirt hits the fan whenever you try to shoot the breeze.
My prognosis
There are a lot of things that are off the table. The author feels that through a simple test of highlighting the off-the-table-itis, that if the other person then comes to the table with the topic, the relationship can be saved, but if they don't, then you'll be happier leaving. My prognosis is that there are other things to sort out that could be the death knell in this relationship before I get to this particular question.
Does it seem to you that your partner generally and consistently blocks your attempts to bring up topics or raise questions, particularly about things you care about?
My answer
My immediate answer to this question is no. However on reading the author's examples, in one of which she outlined a situation where whenever one person talks about something important to them and the other person sits there and says little, but there is an impenetrable stony quality to his "listening" that makes the other person feel like he's not allowing the information to get into his head. She said that this is what she termed as "off-the-table-itis". There are aspects of this in other examples that she gave, but this rang true for me. Many a time I have been pouring my heart out to him, asking questions and receiving absolute silence in return. I always thought that this was a fundamental difference in our communication methods. I am very emotionally driven, he is quite logical and methodical about everything.
Perhaps this is simply another way of controlling a situation though.
Recently quite a lot has come off the table due to this relationship ambivalence. I ask him about future plans, and all sorts of other things, but he says that he can't answer until everything else is sorted out. This has become a very frustrating situation for me because a lot of my decision making depends on his answers to topics around children, marriage, where to live in the future and other very important aspects to our relationship together. Of course I'm worried too that it won't get to that - however I still need to know what his position is so that I am able to take these things into consideration.
Quick take
You'll suffocate if the dirt hits the fan whenever you try to shoot the breeze.
My prognosis
There are a lot of things that are off the table. The author feels that through a simple test of highlighting the off-the-table-itis, that if the other person then comes to the table with the topic, the relationship can be saved, but if they don't, then you'll be happier leaving. My prognosis is that there are other things to sort out that could be the death knell in this relationship before I get to this particular question.
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