Question
Has your partner violated what for you is a bottom line?
My answer
Maybe. I didn't realise that this was a bottom line until it happened. When I was telling my partner that I wanted to go home to Australia for a few days, after a bit of conversation, he said "If we're being honest, I've been thinking about marriage since September. I've even looked at rings." To fully understand how much of a betrayal this is in my eyes, you have to understand that up until the previous few weeks, he was often heard to be saying that he didn't believe in marriage.
Even in recent weeks when we've had discussions about marriage, he has practically said that if it's a bottom line for me, that I shouldn't hold out hope. I can't even tell you why this seems like a betrayal, but it feels like he's been lying - to himself, to me, I'm not sure. But for him to change his mind, even to consider the prospect of marriage was a complete surprise to me. And furthermore, for him to say this to me as I'm considering leaving the country to think about our relationship seriously. It felt like he was dangling a carrot that might make me change my mind. He swears that this isn't the case, however he also told me recently that he thought that our relationship had been in the pits for nearly 12 months - so why was he thinking about marriage to me if our relationship was at an all time low?
And as for marriage being a bottom line for me.... I'm not sure whether it is, however over all of our time together, my partner has been against any form of serious commitment, marriage being the most serious of these. He has never before expressed a want, a need, a desire for marriage. I feel like he hasn't shared this change of heart with me because it's not genuine. I feel like he's betrayed me by keeping this vital change in his approach to life to himself.
The metaphor that I put to him was "It's like you've been a vegetarian for the past 6 and a half years and I converted because you strongly believed in it and I'm used to the vegetables and now you're telling me that you really want to eat a massive steak!".
Quick take
The bottom line is the end of the line.
My prognosis
I can't specifically call him on this. No marriage was his thing. Although we've had plenty of conversations about marriage, he's even recently mentioned how much I talk about it (but we have had people around us getting married and becoming engaged). All I know is that it feels as though he lied to me. And if he wasn't genuine in his want to get married, all I can think is that he was using this very volatile subject to persuade me not to go to Australia. And if that was the case - then it's all over anyway. Whether it was previously stated or otherwise - emotional blackmail in that arena is not permitted.
Has your partner violated what for you is a bottom line?
My answer
Maybe. I didn't realise that this was a bottom line until it happened. When I was telling my partner that I wanted to go home to Australia for a few days, after a bit of conversation, he said "If we're being honest, I've been thinking about marriage since September. I've even looked at rings." To fully understand how much of a betrayal this is in my eyes, you have to understand that up until the previous few weeks, he was often heard to be saying that he didn't believe in marriage.
Even in recent weeks when we've had discussions about marriage, he has practically said that if it's a bottom line for me, that I shouldn't hold out hope. I can't even tell you why this seems like a betrayal, but it feels like he's been lying - to himself, to me, I'm not sure. But for him to change his mind, even to consider the prospect of marriage was a complete surprise to me. And furthermore, for him to say this to me as I'm considering leaving the country to think about our relationship seriously. It felt like he was dangling a carrot that might make me change my mind. He swears that this isn't the case, however he also told me recently that he thought that our relationship had been in the pits for nearly 12 months - so why was he thinking about marriage to me if our relationship was at an all time low?
And as for marriage being a bottom line for me.... I'm not sure whether it is, however over all of our time together, my partner has been against any form of serious commitment, marriage being the most serious of these. He has never before expressed a want, a need, a desire for marriage. I feel like he hasn't shared this change of heart with me because it's not genuine. I feel like he's betrayed me by keeping this vital change in his approach to life to himself.
The metaphor that I put to him was "It's like you've been a vegetarian for the past 6 and a half years and I converted because you strongly believed in it and I'm used to the vegetables and now you're telling me that you really want to eat a massive steak!".
Quick take
The bottom line is the end of the line.
My prognosis
I can't specifically call him on this. No marriage was his thing. Although we've had plenty of conversations about marriage, he's even recently mentioned how much I talk about it (but we have had people around us getting married and becoming engaged). All I know is that it feels as though he lied to me. And if he wasn't genuine in his want to get married, all I can think is that he was using this very volatile subject to persuade me not to go to Australia. And if that was the case - then it's all over anyway. Whether it was previously stated or otherwise - emotional blackmail in that arena is not permitted.
1 comment:
As soon as I read your story about him stating he was looking at rings during your argument about going back to Australia for some breathing time I instantly assumed it was emotional blackmail.
I have had so many significant others dangle the carrot (as you said)before me when the shit is hitting the fan as their last ditch effort to make me conform to what THEY want. At this point I don't even have a carrot I want anymore.
I feel like it's manipulative and an attempt to bribe you into complying with his wants/expectations. I can completely understand why you would view his revelation as such a betrayal, because it was.
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