What happened? The wedding - Day 2!

The next morning when I woke, the thoughts came back and more joined them. It got to the point where I was so distracted by the thoughts of "What is going on? How has this happened? What does it mean?", that I spent nearly two hours thinking about not much else as I went through the various spa treatment rooms of the hotel. My head was an absolute minefield of self-doubt towards my relationship. And at this stage, it wasn't specifically Mr A that I was thinking about, but my relationship in general and what had happened to it.

When we met up with Mr A to walk to the reception area for the wedding, I found myself asking the same questions again. Why him? Why now? Why couldn't I be feeling this towards my partner? There was also a very big part of me that was worried about how the evening would pan out. I was already an emotional wreck before the wedding even began, how was I going to be as the night progressed?

After the ceremony and obligatory group photos, we were all invited to go to the lounge area for tea and coffee. My partner decided that he needed something from the hotel, so told Mr A and I to proceed to the lounge ahead of him. When we got to the door, Mr A told me that he wasn't ready to go in and wanted to stand a while outside. I joined him, because for the past year or more I'd had an aversion to entering public locations by myself, and I just didn't want to go inside alone when I thought that my friends had all gone up to the hotel along with my partner. After a few minutes of polite chit chat, he made his excuses and left to go for a walk, which was quite a relief as I was too confused about my feelings to even really participate in the conversation. Most importantly though, I didn't want to embarrass myself or him by revealing my still very new, surprising and confusing feelings.

After he walked away, I continued my internal monologue, telling myself that I was being stupid, obviously this wasn't normal, that I had never, ever had any level of sexual attraction to another male whilst I'd been with my partner. I was going dizzy with the thought process. In the end, my partner came back and we entered the reception venue together and found our friends, who had been there all along.

When I couldn't hold in my thoughts to myself, I very discreetly told one of my single friends about these confusing feelings that I had towards Mr A. She pointed out that it was just the wedding and that all of the single girls had been having a chat earlier about how they all felt depressed that they didn't have anyone, and were wondering when they might meet someone and get married. She told me not to be silly because I had a great man. I took her words at face value, chose to believe in what she said and left it at that. Luckily for me, Mr A was absent for a good portion of the afternoon activities, so I wasn't constantly reminded about my unreliable emotions.

When we'd sat at our tables, Mr A and a table full of people that we all knew were at the table beside ours, which held another two couples and our four single girlfriends. The rest of the night is a bit of a blur as to exactly what I said or did, but I remember that Mr A and I did talk about the wedding emotions as we wandered up the path to the hotel with everyone else afterwards. I don't know if I revealed my crush to him at that stage, or if this all came out much later.

In any case, the following day was spent farewelling other guests before our evening flight back home.