Question
Is it likely that, if you have a reasonable need, you and your partner will be able to work out a way for you to get it met without too painful a struggle?
My answer
For this answer, I'm going to answer the question using four areas that the author provides:
1. When my partner makes it too hard for me to get my needs met by doing what he wants when he wants by himself without talking to me about it.
Some may call this example a communication problem, but it feels like to me that my partner is acting independently of our relationship when he does it.
My partner has a very bad habit of going for last minute drinks after work, phoning or texting me from the pub to let me know and telling me that he's staying for one or two. He then almost always proceeds to stay until the last tube and arrive home drunk. At first I would wait for him after his "couple" of drinks, but then I realised what this meant and started going ahead and making dinner and accepting invitations for drinks of my own.
He also makes purchases without asking, but not the detriment of our shared finances - because we don't have shared finances.
2. When talking about even the littlest things are a big ordeal.
We do have different ways of communicating. I'm very emotive and think aloud, whereas my partner is logical and likes to think about things for a long time before committing to something. I do feel like he doesn't listen to me sometimes, that everything I say is tangled around. That even when I try to make sure that I listen to him effectively, by writing down what he says so that I don't tangle his words, he accuses me of trying to trap him by recording what he's saying.
Another way that things can become an ordeal is when one (or in our case I think, both) of the partnership are historians. Everything that is discussed hooks into something in the past.
3. When your partner who agrees to meet your needs but doesn't keep the agreement.
There are two ways that my partner approaches this. 1. He just won't agree to do something. Or 2. He agrees in such broad terms that he can get around fulfilling the agreement. This is no end of frustrating.
An example of 1. is that when I've asked him to contribute and help out with the household chores (we live in a share house, so it's even more frustrating for me personally when he doesn't do his fair share). He says he can't commit to anything or that it's my responsibility to remind him. When I ask him to make a calendar reminder about it, he refuses. When I remind him about it, he forgets. This is a no win situation.
An example of 2. is when we last hit a very rough patch, about three and a half years ago. We decided on a five year plan, including travelling, living overseas, travel, saving, come back to Australia, get good jobs, save more money and then get a home loan and try for kids. This plan was never concrete, as you can imagine it couldn't possibly be, however it has changed. But it now feels as though there are always obstacles in the way of us coming back to Australia and settling down. He says that he doesn't like the friends that we left behind because he doesn't feel as though he can have the conversations that he likes to have with people. He says that he has more places that he wants to see. He says that he wants to ride around Australia on our return and doesn't think we can do it with kids. All of these things I see as obstacles, carefully placed to ensure that he doesn't have to fulfil the agreement that we had. Whereby his greatest desire was to travel and live freely and mine was to settle.
This has become such a big issue that my partner has now actively hidden the fact that he's been thinking more about children and marriage from me because he doesn't want to lock anything into a concrete plan. What a relationship right?
4. Being polite to the point of resentment and avoidance.
I think that in reality, to the most extent, this is where we are at in our relationship. I find myself constantly agreeing to things because it's easier than putting forward what it is that I want. I find that I will do the various household chores, or remind him to do it, and then carry around resentment about it. This isn't a good way to be - I have come to the realisation of this recently. However I am hoping to change going forward. To become a better negotiator and to represent myself more fairly in this relationship.
Quick take
Frustration, fear, and deprivation are nature's way of telling you that this relationship is not your home.
My prognosis
Wow. The quick take here has been my life for a longer time than I'm really comfortable thinking about. Perhaps this is why we have been unable to move forward on some issues, or why some issues just keep coming up in different ways or shapes.
Even as I typed it, my realisation was that I would be happier if I left based on this question.
Is it likely that, if you have a reasonable need, you and your partner will be able to work out a way for you to get it met without too painful a struggle?
My answer
For this answer, I'm going to answer the question using four areas that the author provides:
1. When my partner makes it too hard for me to get my needs met by doing what he wants when he wants by himself without talking to me about it.
Some may call this example a communication problem, but it feels like to me that my partner is acting independently of our relationship when he does it.
My partner has a very bad habit of going for last minute drinks after work, phoning or texting me from the pub to let me know and telling me that he's staying for one or two. He then almost always proceeds to stay until the last tube and arrive home drunk. At first I would wait for him after his "couple" of drinks, but then I realised what this meant and started going ahead and making dinner and accepting invitations for drinks of my own.
He also makes purchases without asking, but not the detriment of our shared finances - because we don't have shared finances.
2. When talking about even the littlest things are a big ordeal.
We do have different ways of communicating. I'm very emotive and think aloud, whereas my partner is logical and likes to think about things for a long time before committing to something. I do feel like he doesn't listen to me sometimes, that everything I say is tangled around. That even when I try to make sure that I listen to him effectively, by writing down what he says so that I don't tangle his words, he accuses me of trying to trap him by recording what he's saying.
Another way that things can become an ordeal is when one (or in our case I think, both) of the partnership are historians. Everything that is discussed hooks into something in the past.
3. When your partner who agrees to meet your needs but doesn't keep the agreement.
There are two ways that my partner approaches this. 1. He just won't agree to do something. Or 2. He agrees in such broad terms that he can get around fulfilling the agreement. This is no end of frustrating.
An example of 1. is that when I've asked him to contribute and help out with the household chores (we live in a share house, so it's even more frustrating for me personally when he doesn't do his fair share). He says he can't commit to anything or that it's my responsibility to remind him. When I ask him to make a calendar reminder about it, he refuses. When I remind him about it, he forgets. This is a no win situation.
An example of 2. is when we last hit a very rough patch, about three and a half years ago. We decided on a five year plan, including travelling, living overseas, travel, saving, come back to Australia, get good jobs, save more money and then get a home loan and try for kids. This plan was never concrete, as you can imagine it couldn't possibly be, however it has changed. But it now feels as though there are always obstacles in the way of us coming back to Australia and settling down. He says that he doesn't like the friends that we left behind because he doesn't feel as though he can have the conversations that he likes to have with people. He says that he has more places that he wants to see. He says that he wants to ride around Australia on our return and doesn't think we can do it with kids. All of these things I see as obstacles, carefully placed to ensure that he doesn't have to fulfil the agreement that we had. Whereby his greatest desire was to travel and live freely and mine was to settle.
This has become such a big issue that my partner has now actively hidden the fact that he's been thinking more about children and marriage from me because he doesn't want to lock anything into a concrete plan. What a relationship right?
4. Being polite to the point of resentment and avoidance.
I think that in reality, to the most extent, this is where we are at in our relationship. I find myself constantly agreeing to things because it's easier than putting forward what it is that I want. I find that I will do the various household chores, or remind him to do it, and then carry around resentment about it. This isn't a good way to be - I have come to the realisation of this recently. However I am hoping to change going forward. To become a better negotiator and to represent myself more fairly in this relationship.
Quick take
Frustration, fear, and deprivation are nature's way of telling you that this relationship is not your home.
My prognosis
Wow. The quick take here has been my life for a longer time than I'm really comfortable thinking about. Perhaps this is why we have been unable to move forward on some issues, or why some issues just keep coming up in different ways or shapes.
Even as I typed it, my realisation was that I would be happier if I left based on this question.
1 comment:
Have you watched or read about the 5 languages of love? Reading your comments is like reading my life for the last six and a half years..
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