Conclusion

Wow, I've just been hit by a brick. Or at least that's how it feels. The conclusion of the book, which I've had to pause reading because I was crying too much wasn't a happy ending :(

 

I don't know what I was looking for, but it wasn't confirmation that I should leave my relationship. But I answered the questions honestly, I even blogged them so that I couldn't be in denial about the answers. And what it all pointed to was that my relationship is too bad to stay in.

 

The author says that I'm going to be quite emotional about it all - which is an understatement. But she said that it's natural to feel loads of different emotions when you find the clarity that you should leave. She says that it doesn't mean that I shouldn't go.

 

I'm devastated. I don't know what I was looking for, but it wasn't to leave my relationship. Not really. I was looking for a sign that we weren't that bad and that we could make it through this and come out the other end smiling. The conclusion of the book has really thrown me and it isn't as if the author is saying, just go to therapy and you'll be fine. She's saying under no circumstances should you reconsider the outcome, it is what it is and you have answered these questions in a way that means I'd be happier to leave.

 

I'm stunned. I'm in denial. But I'm not confused. I'm feeling very guilty and sad. But the author is right, there is clarity there.

 

For weeks and possibly months I've know that this was coming. I've known the outcome that was right. But I was in denial. I wouldn't have travelled halfway around the globe if I had thought that there was a chance that we could make it.

 

I haven't told my partner any of this. I have to wait until we are face to face to have this conversation. One person that reads this blog knows who I am. So she knows everything that I've written and has been a confident the entire past month. That is when the real crux of this situation kicked off. When I met Mr A, who although didn't do anything directly to make me think, but triggered some kind of catalyst reaction, through which I have now come out the other end of.

 

I'm sure that I will still try to give it a go when I get back in some form or other. It's hard to remove yourself from a dream that was otherwise one of a happily ever after with the man that I've loved for the better part of my adult life.

 

As I finish the last week of my holiday here in Australia, I will be thinking more and more about this blog, and will write again I'm sure. It has been a secret get away from my thoughts, a place to collect all of my imagined and real thoughts and experiences.