Diagnositc Question # 5

Question
In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest that you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives both of you a feeling of closeness for awhile?

My answer
I'm confused here. How can two people have been together for as long as we have and I'm not able to immediately point out a pleasurable thing that we do together. For this one I'm not sure if I have an answer. This needs to be something that we both "anticipate with pleasure" and "not only feels good but makes you feel close" and apparently it could be sex, but only if the "glow of closeness"is real and last for a significant period after sex.

Well that's certainly an answer I know the question to... sex isn't it. I don't know if I'll ever feel truly comfortable disclosing the details of my sex life with my partner on here, but it wasn't something that I specifically looked forward to.

Other examples that the author gave were:

• Cuddling in bed together. For me these days, I'm having trouble with being attracted to my partner, let alone wanting contact with him. We do cuddle most nights before we go to sleep, but it isn't something again that I look forward to, and I sometimes have to force myself to do it, which then leads to me being resentful of having to do it.
• Having friends over for dinner. This has always been something that I have looked forward to more than he has. I like cooking and fussing over people. He tries to help, but I'm too much of a control freak and I like things done my way, so we normally end up getting tetchy with each other.
• Going away together. We travel quite extensively, however I feel like I'm always the one pushing to lock dates in, doing the majority of the organisation, researching places so that I know where we should go. I have become resentful of this too. I find that my partner's organisation skills in this respect just try on my patience. So even when he does organise something, I get nervous that he doesn't know the details.
• Playing sport. We used to play a social game of netball and squash most weeks. However my partner suffered an injury, so couldn't play very much. Or when he did, he would complain of the pain. That was back home in Australia. Since we've been in London, we haven't done much together in the way of sports.
• Sitting around on Sunday mornings. Well, that's another bone of contention. I like to eat as soon as I wake up - I may not always be hungry, but I like to get some energy before the day starts. My partner doesn't like to eat until he's hungry. And then he doesn't really like to spend money on breakfast when we go out.
• Kissing each other. I was always a massive fan of a good old fashioned passionate kiss... but until recently my partner showed no interest. And I vaguely remember him telling me that he wasn't so into it. So I stopped trying. Bad form I know, but I find that I can only be rejected so many times before I get so bogged down with the feelings of rejection that I don't make the effort to get rejected any more.

Things that we do together:

• Go to music gigs. This is a passion of my partners and I do like seeing bands that I know. However this is all very one sided, he wouldn't like it so much if it was my type of music. In fairness I haven't genuinely tried to get him to a Pink or Kylie concert, however I feel resentful regardless.
• Go to the movies. We mostly see movies that we both want to see together. And then I'll go by myself if it's a RomCom, or something that I really want to see. This is an as and when situation, and usually last minute.

Having said all of this though, we have recently instigated a date night whereby one of us has to plan and pay for a date for the other. And although the first date night went very well (my partner planned it), I still wasn't feeling any true joy from just being with him.

Quick take
If there is even one thing that you enjoy doing together, then you've got a chance to make it work.

My prognosis
Basically, even though my answer is essentially "I don't know", the author says that there is still a chance of a positive outcome.

Aim for the future
The author suggests that we work together to find something that we both look forward to doing together that feels good and makes us feel closer.