You see I had always been a little bit crazy about men. I have had a number of big, emotionally charged crushes in my life. The famous one that I will always refer to is Marty. The Marty crush was over a period of about three years and ended when I met my current partner. One day I might expand on the Marty crush, but not now.
All I can say is that Mr A has only acted appropriately in this situation - and with a very high degree of sensitivity towards my feelings. He is a very understanding and genuine friend who is able to connect with his emotions and is not afraid to talk about them. He has questioned me on topics and said things that not many people can do. And if anything it is probably because despite us both feeling as though we've known each other for a long time, we have only known each other for a couple of weeks and are really just strangers to each other. So I guess when you don't know each other's history which is certainly the case here, it is easy to be honest and open with someone.
It is also as I found out, thankfully not to the detriment of our friendship, very easy to fall back into bad habits. You see over the last weeks I have developed and I really hope now overcome a massive and debilitating crush on Mr A. I'm not sure how he realised it - I'm not really know for being discreet in these situations, but should have been much more careful considering that I would never want to hurt my partner.
It was never my intention to cheat on my partner, and had Mr A been willing to do so, in all probability it would have turned me off very quickly. You see, I have always enjoyed the chase - and when they returned the interest, it was a matter of hours, days or weeks before it was all over. But when they didn't return the interest, that is when things became a little bit mental. And as I've mentioned earlier, when I've been rejected or am feeling depressed or upset about something, my creativity comes out. So there is a whole portfolio of poetry from my "pre-partner" days about heartbreak and sadness and unrequited love. But in this instance, I was also realistic and genuinely didn't want to end a six year relationship over some non-existent event that I made up in my mind.
What this was, in my retrospective opinion, was the opportunity to fantasise about what an alternative life might be like. And although both Mr A and my partner have many interests in common, I somehow had built this imaginary life in my mind that was so different from my life now and one that I would be much happier in, although I know deep down that I would never have been.
This is not a proud moment. And I still haven't decided whether or not to give Mr A the address of this blog. The main reason is because I am very embarrassed about my imaginings. Although I have told him most of these things in one way or another, I was hoping to be uncensored within this blog, and that is still my intention. So Mr A, if you are reading this, then here is an insight into my mental state. I'd like to think that you will take it for what it is, a personal introspection that was simply driven by my friendship with you - nothing more, nothing less. You have been important in this process, and I have tried to be honest and open with you on all counts (sometimes to the point of craziness). I consider you to be a friend, and I'd like to hope that you won't judge me harshly because of the contents of this blog.
So here I was, just returned from a wedding that felt like it had turned my emotional well being inside out. What was I to do?
And then Mr A sent me a text. He enquired as to how my emotions were after the wedding. I replied that they weren't good and told him that I'd been googling some self-help on line.
Mr A was a massive help, not by doing anything in particular, but because through my developing feelings towards him (whether they were real or not), I was able to for the first time in my relationship, really delve into why I might not be happy. Why it was that I was entertaining the thoughts, the fantasy of another man.
Especially one that would only ever lead to heartbreak. You see Mr A was moving home within the week, back to a relationship that had been on and off for many years. He seemed determined to do everything that he could to make it work with his girl, and knowing what I do of him, she is very lucky to have him so committed to their relationship. But even still, he was going through a tough time of adjustment and his own emotions. And I wouldn't normally be such a shitty friend, but this crush of mine meant that I wasn't able to provide him with my true and unguarded friendship.
So through the exchange of texts, emails and a few social occasions over the course of Mr A's last week in London, I was investing more and more energy into a friendship that I was fantasising about as being much more. It did come and go in strength, for example two days before he left the country we went to brunch together with my partner. During the course of the day, my attraction to him became less prevalent. But then the night before he left, as we were hugging goodbye and he said that he'd really miss me, my heart was his. But just for that moment.
I could go on and on about the feelings that I discovered for this person, a relative stranger, but already such a good friend. But the important thing here is that this situation was the catalyst for purchasing the book that this blog is named after, that I am going to be writing mostly about. I really felt that it was important to highlight that my misplaced attraction towards a complete stranger was what started this process.
In any others less strong than myself and Mr A, perhaps this could have ended a six year relationship with an affair or something similar. If I hadn't had the sense to try to help myself, and started typing in things like "Why doesn't my partner want marriage? What does it mean when you're in a long-term relationship and have a crush? Should I stay or go?" into google, then I wouldn't have discovered that the, albeit real, but emotionally driven crush that I had on Mr A was in fact a catalyst for relationship trouble. And yes, many others would have seen this coming, but I genuinely thought that my partner and I were just going through a phase.
A phase where I wasn't connecting to my partner, sexually, mentally or emotionally. A phase that culminated in the discussion.
No comments:
Post a Comment