Question
Does your partner do such a good job of conveying the idea that you’re a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you that you’ve started to really become demonstrably convinced of it yourself?
My answer
This is an important one to me. I feel as though in my relationship, over time I have been disrespected of my opinion many times. And to the point where I felt as though my opinion was not worthy of the general public, that I would end up prefacing everything that I say with a disclaimer of "I can't remember where I heard it", that I even more recently found myself doubting my knowledge on something that I had read in the paper that very morning and was fact. How had it gotten that way? Because a lot of the time when I expressed any opinion about something I felt, thought or knew, I was shut down.
The shut down came in various ways, either my partner would take the story away from me, correcting me and showing anyone else nearby that I my knowledge wasn't to be trusted. He might have just shaken his head in this annoying way he has with a patronising smile on his face. He might have told me that he didn't want to discuss something anymore that we had been (I thought anyway) good naturedly debating. He Would even just flat deny my opinion, which lead to me using the phrase "I think" or "That's what I think anyway" to everything that was an unqualified opinion.
What has been the result of what I have since come to perceive as a constant shut down of my personal opinion? I had more recently started to either censor or preface my comments, not comfortable making flipant, throw away judgements of current events. I stopped reading about current events so that I wouldn't be tempted to comment. I even got to the point where if my partner responded with one of his many variances on a shut down, that I would respond of one of two ways, one - I would say "whatever", silently burning with anger and resentment of his put down, or two - I would not say anything. And although I'm writing this blog anonymously, I will tell you that my friends and family know that I have an opinion on most things most of the time. So for me to all of a sudden shut down myself, was very out of character, and something that I now attribute to the position I am in, relationship ambivalence, a severe case of no self confidence, feeling like I'm not equipped to make one of the most important decisions of my life - stay or go.
Quick take
If someone started to cut your legs out from under you, you've got to walk out while you still have legs.
My prognosis
If it were based on this decision alone, then the answer is to leave. But given that there are some other issues within this book that I have found lead me to believe that relationship counselling or leaving would be my best options. Just spending this time in Australia has led me to achieve a few things that I didn't think I would be able to do (partly because historically my partner has said that I can't and partly because I had such self doubt). One was to drive from the Sunshine Coast to Townsville solo (I was tempted to offer a lift to backpackers to keep me company, but ended up vowing to do it alone and I did!). Two was cutting ties temporarily with my relationship to gain my self confidence back, to find out if my relationship or me as a person is holding me back. And although it may still be because I was trying to prove myself, but I feel like I really have found a little part of myself that I didn't have a week before I left London.
Does your partner do such a good job of conveying the idea that you’re a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you that you’ve started to really become demonstrably convinced of it yourself?
My answer
This is an important one to me. I feel as though in my relationship, over time I have been disrespected of my opinion many times. And to the point where I felt as though my opinion was not worthy of the general public, that I would end up prefacing everything that I say with a disclaimer of "I can't remember where I heard it", that I even more recently found myself doubting my knowledge on something that I had read in the paper that very morning and was fact. How had it gotten that way? Because a lot of the time when I expressed any opinion about something I felt, thought or knew, I was shut down.
The shut down came in various ways, either my partner would take the story away from me, correcting me and showing anyone else nearby that I my knowledge wasn't to be trusted. He might have just shaken his head in this annoying way he has with a patronising smile on his face. He might have told me that he didn't want to discuss something anymore that we had been (I thought anyway) good naturedly debating. He Would even just flat deny my opinion, which lead to me using the phrase "I think" or "That's what I think anyway" to everything that was an unqualified opinion.
What has been the result of what I have since come to perceive as a constant shut down of my personal opinion? I had more recently started to either censor or preface my comments, not comfortable making flipant, throw away judgements of current events. I stopped reading about current events so that I wouldn't be tempted to comment. I even got to the point where if my partner responded with one of his many variances on a shut down, that I would respond of one of two ways, one - I would say "whatever", silently burning with anger and resentment of his put down, or two - I would not say anything. And although I'm writing this blog anonymously, I will tell you that my friends and family know that I have an opinion on most things most of the time. So for me to all of a sudden shut down myself, was very out of character, and something that I now attribute to the position I am in, relationship ambivalence, a severe case of no self confidence, feeling like I'm not equipped to make one of the most important decisions of my life - stay or go.
Quick take
If someone started to cut your legs out from under you, you've got to walk out while you still have legs.
My prognosis
If it were based on this decision alone, then the answer is to leave. But given that there are some other issues within this book that I have found lead me to believe that relationship counselling or leaving would be my best options. Just spending this time in Australia has led me to achieve a few things that I didn't think I would be able to do (partly because historically my partner has said that I can't and partly because I had such self doubt). One was to drive from the Sunshine Coast to Townsville solo (I was tempted to offer a lift to backpackers to keep me company, but ended up vowing to do it alone and I did!). Two was cutting ties temporarily with my relationship to gain my self confidence back, to find out if my relationship or me as a person is holding me back. And although it may still be because I was trying to prove myself, but I feel like I really have found a little part of myself that I didn't have a week before I left London.
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