Question
As you think about your partner’s disrespect, is it clear to you that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for times where you absolutely must interact?
My answer
The quick answer to this question is yes. In some respects, I have stopped interacting with my partner at a level where I can limit the amount of hurt and pain that he is able to inflict on me. My closed ended responses to his put downs, patronising looks and questions has been "whatever!" or to simply walk away, silently seething. But every time that I have responded in this way, I have always questioned my own confidence in my knowledge, opinion or thought. I have gone to lengths sometimes to look up what I was debating on behalf of to prove that I was right, only to receive no response, a meaningless "you were right" or alternative almost follow up put down, an example that hasn't happened that I can remember would be "you went to all of that effort to prove me wrong?".
I have also tried to stand up for myself. This was prior to the shut down phase. I have told my partner that he has disrespected me (pre-book times), and he has laughed it off, gotten defensive or put me down again. And I think this is how I then developed the self-defense mechanism of simply not entering into debates, conversations or topical conversations. I have even heard myself saying "I don't know, perhaps you're right, I don't know enough about it" where historically I would have hypothesised, guessed in an educated way or asked what the actual circumstances were.
Quick take
The water's too bad to drink when you find that you've stopped drinking the water. Avoidance and distance are the measure of a level of disrespect that, even though it's nontoxic, is too unpleasant for you to have to put up with.
My prognosis
This and the last question is something that I had discovered prior to getting the book, but the book allowed me to put it into words. My partner when I raised this as an issue, told me that I should have raised the issue with him before the time that I did. When I said that I did, he said that I mustn't have done it well enough. I told him that every time I did, he became unbearably defensive and it was hard for me to respond when he demanded exact examples of what he had done. And because I'd stopped writing my thoughts and feelings down because he'd historically been hurt by something that he shouldn't have but did read, I couldn't give him examples, even though I know the way that I felt when he did this to me.
Based on the answer to this and the last question, it appears as though I would be happier if I left the relationship.
As you think about your partner’s disrespect, is it clear to you that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for times where you absolutely must interact?
My answer
The quick answer to this question is yes. In some respects, I have stopped interacting with my partner at a level where I can limit the amount of hurt and pain that he is able to inflict on me. My closed ended responses to his put downs, patronising looks and questions has been "whatever!" or to simply walk away, silently seething. But every time that I have responded in this way, I have always questioned my own confidence in my knowledge, opinion or thought. I have gone to lengths sometimes to look up what I was debating on behalf of to prove that I was right, only to receive no response, a meaningless "you were right" or alternative almost follow up put down, an example that hasn't happened that I can remember would be "you went to all of that effort to prove me wrong?".
I have also tried to stand up for myself. This was prior to the shut down phase. I have told my partner that he has disrespected me (pre-book times), and he has laughed it off, gotten defensive or put me down again. And I think this is how I then developed the self-defense mechanism of simply not entering into debates, conversations or topical conversations. I have even heard myself saying "I don't know, perhaps you're right, I don't know enough about it" where historically I would have hypothesised, guessed in an educated way or asked what the actual circumstances were.
Quick take
The water's too bad to drink when you find that you've stopped drinking the water. Avoidance and distance are the measure of a level of disrespect that, even though it's nontoxic, is too unpleasant for you to have to put up with.
My prognosis
This and the last question is something that I had discovered prior to getting the book, but the book allowed me to put it into words. My partner when I raised this as an issue, told me that I should have raised the issue with him before the time that I did. When I said that I did, he said that I mustn't have done it well enough. I told him that every time I did, he became unbearably defensive and it was hard for me to respond when he demanded exact examples of what he had done. And because I'd stopped writing my thoughts and feelings down because he'd historically been hurt by something that he shouldn't have but did read, I couldn't give him examples, even though I know the way that I felt when he did this to me.
Based on the answer to this and the last question, it appears as though I would be happier if I left the relationship.
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