Question
Is there a clearly formulated, passionately held difference between you that has to do with the shape and texture and quality of your life as you actually experience it?
My answer
This is a tricky one, because until the moment that I said that I was coming to Australia for a holiday to sort out my head, I thought the answer was yes. I thought that I had changed my mind about a very important factor and that my partner still had the same views, which originally had been different to my own, but that I had accepted initially because I loved him more than the idea of marriage. Yes, there it is, marriage - the ultimate deal breaker for some (I didn't used to think it was, but the longer we'd been together I was more and more thinking about how nice it would be if my partner would make that special commitment to me).
Here is what happened:
On the Friday when I was talking to my partner about taking time out and coming to Australia for a holiday he mentioned that he's been thinking about marriage since September and has been looking at rings. At the time I was really angry at him and thought that he was using it as a control mechanism to get me to stay in London. If anything, I was really angry and confused about it all. I still am actually. He insists that he didn't intend it as a manipulation, but I just don't know. I was talking to my sister over dinner tonight and she said that sharing a life together is more than just living together, it's sharing decisions, money, belongings, pets and babies, etc. I don't feel like I've ever really had that with my partner to date. It's one of the things that I need to talk about with him. I've been observing my sister's relationship with her husband, and that of my friend with her fiance, and these people are both respectful and loving towards their partners in a way that my partner and I aren't.
After a lot of introspection, I have decided that I have changed my mind and now want marriage or some very deep and meaningful form of commitment if I'm going to be with someone. However it appears as though my partner has had the same thought too. He says that his mind started changing when I had some blood tests back that revealed that I had high cholesterol. He says that this situation (although not immediately life threatning) made him reconsider his priorities. However I'm not sure what to see this change of heart as. I am finding it impossible to think about marriage to this person who I have been mentally moving away from because I thought that he felt so very strongly about not getting married that it would be the end of our relationship if I revealed that this was in fact a deal breaker for me now.
Another issue that has always been between us (along with finances and other day to day gripes) is when to have children. I've been wanting to try for a long time and my partner has said various things such as, "I'm not ready", "I'd like us to be fit and healthy before we have children", "I want us to be settled back in Australia and for me to have a good job before we have children" and various other things.
Quick take
You live a life, you don't live a relatioship.
My Prognosis
So what to do now? I'm not sure. I have still been wavering on whether to stay or leave the relationship as I have been for some time now. I think that there has been a lot of damage done to our relationship through my resentment of him not wanting marriage. There have been a number of arguments, discussions, debates and misunderstandings over this one topic that for all intents and purposes it appears as though my partner and I are now on the same page. I think the results of this whole experience will be couples therapy to see if we can in fact work it out. Having someone there to marshall the conversations that we have, that are normally circular in structure and most of the time more recently haven't really been solving anything. I feel as though he's not actively listening to me and he feels like I've abandoned the relationship. It's a stalemate that I have no skills to solve.
As for children, these days single women can step into the life of motherhood without any risks of other diseases or abnormalities with donor insemination or IVF. There are a few organisations that offer this service and in Australia and the government is on board, providing Medicare rebates for the service and private health insurance will cover the gap. I haven't done a lot of research, but at first glance, if I wanted to have children at any stage in my life, I can all by myself with the services of a nice batch of donor sperm, from which I could also have another child if I desired it, by the same biological father.
All food for thought in this decision. But ultimately I have to ask myself the question, am I happier being married and having children with this man, or would I be happier chancing it on my own and possibly becoming a single mother when I feel that I'm ready?
Is there a clearly formulated, passionately held difference between you that has to do with the shape and texture and quality of your life as you actually experience it?
My answer
This is a tricky one, because until the moment that I said that I was coming to Australia for a holiday to sort out my head, I thought the answer was yes. I thought that I had changed my mind about a very important factor and that my partner still had the same views, which originally had been different to my own, but that I had accepted initially because I loved him more than the idea of marriage. Yes, there it is, marriage - the ultimate deal breaker for some (I didn't used to think it was, but the longer we'd been together I was more and more thinking about how nice it would be if my partner would make that special commitment to me).
Here is what happened:
On the Friday when I was talking to my partner about taking time out and coming to Australia for a holiday he mentioned that he's been thinking about marriage since September and has been looking at rings. At the time I was really angry at him and thought that he was using it as a control mechanism to get me to stay in London. If anything, I was really angry and confused about it all. I still am actually. He insists that he didn't intend it as a manipulation, but I just don't know. I was talking to my sister over dinner tonight and she said that sharing a life together is more than just living together, it's sharing decisions, money, belongings, pets and babies, etc. I don't feel like I've ever really had that with my partner to date. It's one of the things that I need to talk about with him. I've been observing my sister's relationship with her husband, and that of my friend with her fiance, and these people are both respectful and loving towards their partners in a way that my partner and I aren't.
After a lot of introspection, I have decided that I have changed my mind and now want marriage or some very deep and meaningful form of commitment if I'm going to be with someone. However it appears as though my partner has had the same thought too. He says that his mind started changing when I had some blood tests back that revealed that I had high cholesterol. He says that this situation (although not immediately life threatning) made him reconsider his priorities. However I'm not sure what to see this change of heart as. I am finding it impossible to think about marriage to this person who I have been mentally moving away from because I thought that he felt so very strongly about not getting married that it would be the end of our relationship if I revealed that this was in fact a deal breaker for me now.
Another issue that has always been between us (along with finances and other day to day gripes) is when to have children. I've been wanting to try for a long time and my partner has said various things such as, "I'm not ready", "I'd like us to be fit and healthy before we have children", "I want us to be settled back in Australia and for me to have a good job before we have children" and various other things.
Quick take
You live a life, you don't live a relatioship.
My Prognosis
So what to do now? I'm not sure. I have still been wavering on whether to stay or leave the relationship as I have been for some time now. I think that there has been a lot of damage done to our relationship through my resentment of him not wanting marriage. There have been a number of arguments, discussions, debates and misunderstandings over this one topic that for all intents and purposes it appears as though my partner and I are now on the same page. I think the results of this whole experience will be couples therapy to see if we can in fact work it out. Having someone there to marshall the conversations that we have, that are normally circular in structure and most of the time more recently haven't really been solving anything. I feel as though he's not actively listening to me and he feels like I've abandoned the relationship. It's a stalemate that I have no skills to solve.
As for children, these days single women can step into the life of motherhood without any risks of other diseases or abnormalities with donor insemination or IVF. There are a few organisations that offer this service and in Australia and the government is on board, providing Medicare rebates for the service and private health insurance will cover the gap. I haven't done a lot of research, but at first glance, if I wanted to have children at any stage in my life, I can all by myself with the services of a nice batch of donor sperm, from which I could also have another child if I desired it, by the same biological father.
All food for thought in this decision. But ultimately I have to ask myself the question, am I happier being married and having children with this man, or would I be happier chancing it on my own and possibly becoming a single mother when I feel that I'm ready?
1 comment:
You don't have to do it on your own. Even if it doesn't work out with you and your partner, you may find that you are happy to wait just a little bit to find the right person. With a bit of confidence, meeting new people isn't as daunting as it seems.
Post a Comment